Thursday, November 5, 2009


I just got the call, and the bond reduction was denied….Thank you Lord. I wish I could have been there, but Sam (Samuel's dad), Manuel, Andrea, and my brother Junior were there to represent Samuel. To show them that Samuel was loved and missed. I was there in spirit. I asked Sam and Junior about the murderer, how he acted, if he made eye contact with them. He said when he first walked in; he glanced at them, but then put his head down. While he was on the stand, he wouldn't even look their way. Junior stated at one point he was so close they could have reached out and choked him. I'm sure the impulse was there. I wonder how I would have reacted had I been there. When he walked into the courtroom, would I have been able to control myself? I would like to think I would, but I just don't know. My heart was racing just hearing about him. I guess I just want him to feel remorse, to feel my pain, to take his punishment like a man. But obviously he is not a man or he would not have killed Samuel. I've often thought about his Mom, and how she feels about this situation, but according to Junior, his mom may be dead. They made mention of it in court. If alive, would she have defended her son? Would I if the tables were turned?

I wonder if he ever thinks about Samuel, the life he took. I've thought about sending him a letter, telling him of the pain he's caused all of us, sending pictures of Samuel, making Samuel real to him, but not sure if that is the right thing to do. Would it make a difference? Would he be sorry for what he did, or would he toss my words, my pain, and pictures of Samuel in the trash? What if he wrote back, asking for my forgiveness? Would I be able to give it? I don't know. I don't know much of anything right now.

taken on a first day of school. I think Manuel was in 2nd grade and Samuel in 3rd. - I was so young!


Susan Sutton said...

Isaida, after reading this blog I started thinking...if I were in your shoes, what would I do. Well I think that I would make Samuel real to him. I mean, even if he were to throw your letter least you would be trying. But more than likely he will read it, I mean...What else does he have to do in there? And if he's trying to make a change in his life or even if he's not.....Just knowing that you tried to contact him even if he doesn't read the letter, in my opinion, would let him know that he affected a number of people. Maybe even help him to change his life. What harm could it do? Sometimes its good to just let it out (what's on your mind). If he writes back and asks for forgiveness....well that maybe hard but you will have plenty of time to think about what to do. Leave it in God's hands. Pray about it. I love you!

Medina said...

before you write a letter be sure and check with the district attorney so that it wont affect any case that is going on now or may come up. i went face to face with my son's killer and it played an important role in my healing process. we will never get over it, heal completely or get better, but we do learn to take control of our lives to a better extent. i panicked today when jose didnt return home from college. he was only an hour late. i called his cell 75 times. girl, you KNOW what i was thinking. thank you GOD that brat showed up an hour later wondering what I was in a fuss about.

our lives have changes forever, but we DO find a way to manage. i am sending you all the love in the world.~c