Upcoming

~ Manuel and Andrea will be here on Wednesday of next week for 2wks. I can't wait. I haven't seen Manuel since Samuel's funeral and want to see how big Andrea has gotten. Of course I plan on taking tons of pictures. Manuel is use to all my picture taking, Andrea is not. I'm sure she'll get use to it.

~ Dad and Eva will be here I think on Saturday for the Thanksgiving holiday. This is the first time they've come to visit us. I can't wait because Eva is going to cook all the Spanish/Puerto Rican food I love and can't cook or mess up when I attempt to cook.....pasteles, tostones, plátanos, bacalao, etc. Of course I plan on taking pictures of all the great food and of me eating it! I might even do a Cooking with Mami and document the whole process. I haven't done that in a while.

~ For Christmas, we are heading to Texas. My great, beautiful, bestest friend, crazy mother-in-law got us the tickets. I can't thank her enough. I think she sort of knew I needed to be around family and friends. The boys are too excited about flying! Of course you know this will all be documented. I personally hate to fly, so no telling what this trip is going to be like. I tend to cry and freak out about every little thing on airplanes. This should be fun.

~ I may be giving up a kidney. My father-in-law has diabetes and is need of a kidney. Everyone in the immediate family has been tested and were not a match. I am. I still need to have tests done to make sure my kidneys are fine and if they are, then I will be giving one up. Of course, as everything else in my life, I will document that also.

So that's what upcoming in my little world. Now you know what to look forward to on my blog.

Boys Toys

Cowabunga!

.....don't make me angry.......you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Faith

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
~Hebrews 11:1

This verse came to my mind this morning while driving to work and missing Samuel. I miss Samuel so much, but I know he is in Heaven. And this morning when a little bit of doubt crept in this verse popped into my head.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for - I hope with all my heart that Samuel is in Heaven with my Mom and other loved ones.
the evidence of things not seen - I can't see him there in Heaven, but I know he is there.

God was sending the comfort I needed this morning.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

Football season has finally come to an end. We were all so excited for the season to start and I think we are all kind of glad it has ended. This season has been a lot of ups and downs. This was Elijah’s first year of tackle football. All last year while playing flag, he talked mad junk of how he was going to tackle hard when he got to play “real” football. Fonzy was too excited! While playing tackle at home with Ezekiel and Fonzy, Elijah showed out! And we just knew he was going to kick butt out on the field. Well, football season started and the coaches loved Elijah. He was playing with 7yr-10yr old and they were prepping him to be the back-up quarterback. Well, to make a long story/season short, Elijah did not play to his full potential and Fonzy hated it! During and after every game Fonzy would get discouraged and sometimes downright furious! Both Elijah and Ezekiel have the talent, but for some reason when they got out on the field, they acted as if they had never played football. At home, they would try and kill each other when tackling, but would barely hit anyone out on the field. The rides home were filled with Fonzy asking the boys what the problem was? Why wouldn’t they just play like we knew they could? The boys never had an answer. There was one thing in particular that Elijah did that drove Fonzy nuts! He would trot off the field with his arms up at his side, like the picture above. One day while at a game, Fonzy had had it! He grabbed Elijah by his face mask and told him he better not ever see him trot off the field like that again and slapped his shoulder pads really loud. Elijah started to cry, and walked back to his team. I thought one of the Moms standing nearby was going to call the cops. You should have seen the look of horror on her face!

Every week after the games, Fonzy would say he was going to find one of his old teammate’s dad who had tapped all the games. He would tell us all how when he played football, he was a superstar, and would never miss a tackle. We heard how no one was able to beat their team and they may have even won a championship.

Well, true to his word, he found the teammates dad still in Odessa and his mom picked up the tape and FedEx it to us. Fonzy was so excited, he told his mom to send it overnight. So the Friday before Elijah’s last game, Elodia calls and tells me she has overnighted the tape for $45! I threw a fit! $45! We could have waited a few days for that tape, but Fonzy couldn’t wait. After Elijah’s game that Saturday morning, we rushed home to see if the video was there and it was. Fonzy couldn’t get inside fast enough. We gathered in the spare bedroom where the VCR is to watch the greatness that was Fonzy V. We fast forwarded the beginning of the tape which was old family videos and found the football footage. We saw Fonzy in his childhood, all suited up in his football gear. (picture below) We saw him tackle a few people, but we also saw him missing a few and then SITTING on the field. Oh my gosh, if Ezekiel or Elijah had ever sat on the field during a game that would have been it! Fonzy would have lost it! But the moment that was worth the $45 to send the tape was when Fonzy trotted off the field in the EXACT SAME WAY Elijah had! Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard! I tried to get Fonzy to rewind the tape, but he refused. I swear his little trot off the field was the spittin’ image of Elijah. The one thing that made him the maddest, he himself did! It was priceless!

One of Fonzy’s favorite saying when he meets the parents of the kids he teaches is, “I swear the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”

Nope Fonzell, it doesn’t, it sure doesn’t :)

Another sleepless night

Last night was another sleepless night. I swear I saw every hour creep by, 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30….I finally dozed off and the alarm went off at 5:30am. I have the biggest headache right now, and on my way to a second cup of coffee.


taken with blackberry

While tossing and turning I thought about Samuel and writing his killer. I don't know why, but I have been thinking a lot about that. I want this guy to know Samuel, to know his brothers, to know me and the pain his actions caused. I want him to explain to me why he felt the need to shot Samuel in the back as he lay face down on the ground.



WHY!? WHY!? WHY!!!!!!


taken with blackberry

The holidays are upon us and even though Samuel didn’t spend every Christmas with me, at least I knew he was alive and well. Just listening to Christmas songs bring me to tears. I wanted more time with him, I wanted to see him grow into a man, fall in love, experience more in his life. 19yrs is too short. I think about all the other MOMS going through the same thing. I’m so thankful to have found this group of ladies. I know that whatever I am feeling, they are more than likely feeling too. One of the MOMS made a calendar for all of us. It lists the dates of our kid’s birthdays and the day they died. In the month of their birth, there is a baby picture and in the month they died, it has a recent picture. Some people don’t understand why we would want a calendar to remind us every day of the pain, but again, that is someone who has not lost a child. We want to remember the dates for other MOMS because we know on those days; they are going to need extra love, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers. We want them to know that we remember their child and he/she is not forgotten. I think that is one of our fears, that our child will be forgotten. As time goes on, Samuel’s friends and even family will no longer remember his birthday, or the day he died. He will slowly fade away. But as his Mom, I will always remember the day he was born and the day I got the call that he was no longer here.

Bah Humbug

This past weekend, Karen and I took the boys to see A Christmas Carol in 3D at the IMAX Theater. This was my first time at an IMAX theater and I must say it was worth the outrageous price of the tickets....especially in 3D. When Scrooge was flying through the air with the ghosts, it felt like you were flying with him. The snow fell right on your lap! Of course not literally, but it looked that way. I noticed the boys a few times reaching out their hands to touch it. Some of the parts were a little scary for them, but all in all, we had a great time. I recommend going to see it. In an IMAX theater if you can.


Of course before we headed to the movies, I had to take pictures. It wouldn't be right if I didn't.


I can't tell you how many shots I had to get of the boys before I got a decent one. I don't know how photographers do it. I had the boys yelling out all kinds of things to get a good shot. I finally settled for this one.


Finally, on the way to the movie!




Karen (my lil' sister) and TJ - TJ loves his momma


Sitting on the floor while we waited in line for the movie


Finally, we got to our seats with our very stylish 3D glasses. 3D glasses have changed. I remember having the little paper ones with the red and green cellophane lenses or whatever that material was.



I have to say I look just like my Aunt Elba in this picture.

Memories

Driving into work this morning, I was listening to my Christmas CD and all of sudden started to cry. I don’t know what came over me. I was thinking about Samuel, and how I wish I could go back to when he was little. There are so many things I would have done differently. But then I start to think about Ezekiel, Elijah and Manuel, and the memories we’re making now. What kind of memories am I making for them? Will Ezekiel and Elijah look back on their childhood with fondness? Or will they remember all the times I hollered, or didn’t play with them. I don’t want that to be the memories they have. I try to make sure I do things with them, but I must admit, I don't do it enough.

Manuel is about to be a Dad, and I feel our relationship is changing….for the better I think. He’s going to have to grow up quickly now that he's going to be a Dad. I think he will now realize why we were so hard on him. Your perspectives change once you have a baby. You want to protect your kids from any pain and suffering, but sometimes you can’t. I’ve learned that first hand.

Life is too short, so I have to remind myself to do a little less hollering, play more, and not push them off to do other things. Because I don’t want to be saying in a few years from now when they are in high school that I should have cherished the times when they were little and still wanted to be with and hug Mommy.