Samuel

The other night sitting at Frankie’s Fun Park waiting for Fonzy, the boys and Sydney playing laser tag, my mind wanders to Samuel. Years ago he worked here, walking these very floors among the flashing lights and sounds of the video games. As I sit, I see the ghost of my lanky Samuel, khaki clad with a blue shirt on, smiling. Eerie music of an attraction plays behind me, tears fill my eyes, it all feels surreal. He was once here and in this moment I feel his presence.

Letter to my Son's killer

I wrote this letter below in a blog post, May 16, 2016 and stumbled across it today in my drafts. I have yet to actually mail this letter off. Maybe one day I'll be able to. Maybe not. I decided to post it on my blog for now. I know there are other Mothers going through this right now. I've met so many through my blog posts of Samuel and it hurts my heart each time I hear a story of losing our babies. May 23rd will be 9 years since we lost Samuel and the pain still cuts like a knife.

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I've written this letter a thousand times in my mind. I've often lain awake at night, thinking of what I would say to you. I've even gone as far as to start a letter on paper, but end up tearing it to pieces. How do I even start a letter to you? Hi? Mr. Foster? Latarus? I couldn't decide, so started the way you are reading it now. I'm not really sure why I've thought about writing you. Your actions changed my life forever. It has changed your life forever. May 23, will be 7 years since you took my Samuel's life. 7 more years and counting that you get to live. You were born the same year. Did you know that? Except Samuel didn't make it to 20. He will forever be 19. I've tried so hard to understand why. Why did you decide to shoot Samuel. From my understanding, he was knocked out on the ground, and you shot him in the back. On a dare. I've wanted to hear your side of the story, but my heart can barely handle the information I was given. And would you tell me the truth anyway. I've never gone to the place he died. I don't want to see the place he took his last breathe, it's not a memory I want. As I sit and write this, I wonder what you are thinking as you read? Do you have regrets? Do you even care about the people you left hurting? Do you think about Samuel? Do you see his face? I can't think about Samuel, without thinking about you. You two are forever linked. I don't know why or where I'm going with this letter. I'm not sure I'll even send it, but if you are reading it, you know I got up the courage to send it after all these years. I've often thought about forgiveness. Forgiveness for you. But I feel like I am betraying my Samuel. How could I even think about forgiving you? I know God says we should forgive, but I'm just not there. I've seen other parents forgive the person who took away their child, and I wonder how they found it in their heart to do it. Do you even want forgiveness? Do you even care? So many thoughts are running through my head right now. So much heartache, questions I want answered, but then I don't want answered. Conflicted. I have a hard time looking at Samuel's pictures. He was so full of life, hopes, and dreams and in an instant you took all that away. I can't look at his pictures without crying. 7 years later and it still hurts like hell. Just the other day, I was watching TV, 48 Hours. Our story could have been on that show. Wow - OUR story. It just dawned on me that you are forever linked to me also. On TV, it showed a young man, about Samuel's age, laying in a parking lot, shot to death. The person was covered with a yellow tarp and all they showed were his sneakers and the blood flowing from under the tarp and all I saw was Samuel. My first born son, shot and killed in a parking lot. Even though it wasn't him on the TV. It was. I couldn't breathe, I started to cry and my husband turned the channel. This is my life now. Often filled with pain and sorrow that I try so desperately to hide. I want to scream at you!!! I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU EVEN CARE!!!! ARE YOU SORRY? WHY! WHY! WHY! When you opened this letter, did Samuel's pictures fall out? Do you wonder why I sent them? I want you to see the smiling face you took from us. I don't ever want you to forget the precious person you took from me. See that headstone? That's all I have left. My baby's body buried in Texas soil. I get physically sick every time I visit the cemetery. Even when I get near it. Not living in Texas, it's so much easier to fool myself into thinking Samuel is still alive and well. That he is going about his life as usual. But visiting the cemetery is a slap in the face. No - a punch in the face. I can't pretend anymore. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. And I can't think about him, without thinking about you. I hate it! I've never wished ill on anyone and I won't start now. I don't wish you dead, I won't wish bad things on you, because, just like my Samuel, you are someone's son. You have a mother somewhere who is also hurting. And I don't wish this pain on any mother. I'm done. I've poured out all I can right now. I'm wrestling with myself if I want to hear from you. Hear if you are sorry. If you care, if you think about Samuel. Your response won't bring my Samuel back, but maybe it would help with the healing, maybe not. I don't know. All I know right now, is I had a son, Samuel Rodriguez Jr. He was born October 20, 1989 and taken from me by your hands May 23, 2009. I hope you don't ever forget his face, and I hope one day I can find solace, some understanding, and maybe forgiveness.

Moon Thoughts

Letting Titus out last night, I noticed the moon, hovering low in the sky over the rooftops. It wasn't late, a little after 8pm, but the neighborhood was quiet. There was a slight wind, and you could feel Autumn in the air. I stood out there for a bit, just gazing at the moon, thoughts of Samuel swirling around me. His birthday is coming up next month, and I always get a little nostalgic around this time. I stare at the moon, and think of him sitting there, looking down at me. I picture him smiling, I smile back, I feel him....if just for a moment.

Month of Thankfulness - Day 4

Today, I am thankful for life.

Today was a sad day. Scrolling through Facebook this morning, I came across a news story of a teen being killed in a car crash on his way to school. He was from Ezekiel's school. About an hour later, I got a text from Ezekiel, simply stating, I love you. I knew they must have been told of the tragedy. Ezekiel knew the boy, had classes with him and said he just spoke with him the other day.

I think of death and dying everyday. Not once in passing, but several times a day. It's probably because our family has had so much death, but most of all, the death of Samuel. You never think when you have your babies, you will be burying them. I worry about Fonzy and the boys whenever they are not with me. I pray daily for their safe return home. I pray for Manuel and my Grandbabies daily. He's not here with me, but always on my mind too. You never stop worrying, no matter how old your kids are.

My heart aches for this young boys family. I know what losing a child is like. So many hopes, and dreams taken in an instant.

Today, I am thankful for life. Because I know all too well, it can be gone in an instant.

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Update Nov 5 - the high school had a prayer circle on campus this morning for Tyler. About 150 students attended, Ezekiel was one of them. 

Happy Birthday Samuel

Today you would have been 26.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Wonder what your life would be like now - the man you would be. I looked through pictures of you this morning. It's so hard seeing the boy, and young man you were and knowing I will never take another picture of you. You will forever be frozen at 19. It's so unfair. You should be in the prime of your life right now.

I struggle all the time with your death. There are moments when I feel I can't breathe thinking about it. But today, I'm keeping the bad thoughts away and focusing on the good.

I sent you a birthday balloon and watched it float and swirl until I could no longer see it. Such a small gesture, but somehow makes me feel better.

Happy Birthday Samuel - I love you!

***More posts about my Samuel here. 

Ugly

In the blogging world, at least the blogs I read, only the best is put on display. It seems everyone has the perfect home, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, the perfect kids, the perfect Pinterest life. Who wants to share a messy house, the burnt meals, the fight you had with your husband....the murder of a son.

When the word Ugly was given as the prompt this week, the first thing that came to mind was the death of my son. That has been the "ugliest" part of my life....the ugliest part of my blog. Or so you would think.

When my son was killed, I blogged. Blogged my feelings, my heartache, the unfairness of it all. I poured out my heart. Dwelling on my son's death, I was unable to see past my tears, to the beauty this life still held. Life is so short. Too short to be unhappy. To dwell on circumstances I cannot change. Yes - losing my son was the worst thing that could ever happen. But I couldn't let the ugliness of that take control of my life. So I started to focus on the good, the beauty and love all around me.

Life isn't Pinterest perfect. We all have ugly in our lives. Do we want to display that ugly on our blogs? Do I want to display that ugly? Yes....I do. Because through the ugly I found a sort of healing. I can look back on the worst moments of my life and see that I survived. That I may have helped someone going through the "ugly" in their life.

And from ugly, beauty was born. ~ For The Love Your Blog Challenge with Kate of A Playful Day

Interactions and Community

I've been blogging since 2007.

I use to blog all the time, but have lost my blogging mojo these last couple of years. I've been wanting to get back into blogging, but every time I try, I feel forced and the words just don't come. I came across A Playful Day's blog challenge - The Love Your Blog Challenge and decided to give it a try. I want to love my blog again. So here it goes!

This weeks prompt is all about Interactions and Community. And that is what I loved about blogging. The community I built, and friends I made while on this journey. Blogging helped me during the hardest time of my life. The death of my oldest son. Through my blog, I was able to pour out my heart and find other Moms who were going through the same heartache as I. Our children did not die from sickness or accident, but by murder. The death of a child is devastating, but losing a child to murder.....it's the worst.

Trying to maintain after his death, I found my love of knitting. My mom taught me to knit as a child. I knit one thing, a stuffed horse, and never knit again. After the death of my son, how he died consumed my mind. If I wasn't moving, or doing something my mind would drift to his death, the way he died and the horror of it all, so I always had to be doing something. And knitting became that something. As long as I was knitting, reading patterns, learning something new, my mind was off his death. And slowly, but surely I wasn't focused so much on how my son died, but on the happy times, and along the way became a better knitter. And found my love of knitting dolls!

Blogging, knitting, community building! It's all here.

~ For The Love Your Blog Challenge with Kate of A Playful Day.

~ pictures - clothes for my newest doll, Holly Hobbie and Little House on the Prairie inspired. 

Your Story Matters

I've often wondered what people will say of me once I'm gone. What memories they will hold on to. Do you ever wonder that?

We are on this earth for such a short time. Whether we get  1 yr. or 100, in the scheme of things, its just a dot of time.

Will my boys remember my laugh? Will they remember me knitting? What will they hold dear? What pictures will they cherish?  I think about Manuel, far from me in Texas. What will his memories be? Will it be our disagreements? Our arguments? Will he remember I love him, even though we do fight? Is there something I can do now to change what he remembers?

If I go before Fonzy, what will he miss most about me? Will he see a tree in Fall, with the vibrant oranges, reds and yellows, and remember how much I love Fall. Sunsets, and clouds. Will he miss putting his hand under me while we sleep? The love we make, the fights we have, the life we live?

I think about this often. Maybe it's because I find myself forgetting....forgetting things about my Mom....forgetting things about Samuel. I want to hold onto those memories so tightly, but no matter how tight I hold on, they slip through my clenched hands...and I hate it.

Their stories mattered. My story matters. Our stories matter. And I don't want to forget them.

25

25 years ago today, I pushed you into this world. A perfect little baby, in which I had no clue how I was going to raise, being a kid myself. We had our ups and downs, but through it all, I loved you.

And 19 years later, I would bury you.

I still, at times can't believe it. This was not the life I envisioned when I held you in my arms all those years ago in the hospital. But it's what we have. 19 years.

I often wonder what you would be like today at 25. Would you be married? Have kids? Would your music career have taken off. All the dreams you had...gone in a split second.

I try not to dwell on the pain of losing you. Most days, the pain is bearable. But there are moments, when the pain in my heart is more than I can bear, when I feel I can't breathe, when the tears stream down my face and I want to scream at the top of my lungs WHY!

25....you would have been 25 today. Instead....you are forever young at 19.

Foggy

Foggy.

It's funny how a foggy morning gets your mind turning.

Sometimes when calling out to one of my boys, I catch myself saying Samuel.

Sometimes in a moment, I forget he is no longer here.

Sitting at a red light, I realize this year will mark 5 years since he has been gone. Really? 5 years? No....can't be. I had to recount, using my fingers.

He was killed May 23, 2009.

2010...2011...2012...2013....2014...yes this year will be 5 years.

I see his face, remember his smile....but sometimes my brain is foggy and I can't remember how he sounded when he laughed. His voice gets a little foggy, but then I remember I have a cd...with his voice on it. I try to play it, but then remember how much it hurts to hear his voice. And sometimes, I welcome the fog, the forgetting for a moment. Because in that moment, that split second, he's still here.

But only for a moment.

3 Years Gone

Today marks 3 years since you've been gone.

3 years since I got the phone call that you were taken from us.

3 years of heartache

3 years of missing you

3 years of tears

3 years of wondering why

After 3 years I still find it hard to look at your pictures. My heart breaks knowing there will never be any more pictures of you.

After 3 years, I'm living day by day, putting on a smile, but inside I still struggle. When alone, I cry thinking of you, of how you were killed. I try to think of the life you lived, the good memories, but somehow I always end up on May 23, 2009. The day you lay in a parking lot, shot and killed on a dare.

No one knows the pain I still feel. I keep it to myself. I dream of you, miss you, will never forget you, and will never, ever stop loving you my first born son. I carry you in my heart, always and forever, until the day I can see your smiling face again.

Little Bit of This, Little Bit of That

Don't you just love fresh flowers? I do! Just looking at them brightens my day. If I could afford it, I would have fresh flowers all over the house, and when they died, I would get more. My favorites are Gladiolus. We planted some last year and I'm hoping they come back this year.

Make a wish!

Sibling birthdays were celebrated this past weekend. Karen's birthday was Saturday, Jay's is this Thursday. Cake and cheese cake for everyone!

Elijah finally got to go fishing this weekend. He has been bugging me everyday to go fishing. I wouldn't mind taking him, I like fishing, but I need to find somewhere close to take him. Also, even though I like fishing, I have a hard time putting the worm on the hook....just the thought of piercing them with a hook doesn't sit well with me. Then if we catch a fish, I have a hard time taking them off the hook. I feel bad, cuz it has to hurt. Luckily, they have an uncle who likes to fish!

Seeing these pictures remind me of another time they went fishing.....with Samuel. It hurts my heart to know they will never fish with their older brother again. All we have are these precious  memories.

My Heart Aches Today

My heart aches today. 

My friend Phyllis received word that her oldest son Philip was killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan.

She's been in my thoughts and prayers all day today. I know the journey she is about to take and it won't be easy.

She has been there for me when my Samuel was killed. When I needed to cry, needed words of encouragement she was there. She would send me notes to let me know she was thinking about me and sending many, many prayers. And now I have to be there for her.

Phyllis has 6 other kids, besides Philip. 5 more boys and 1 daughter. 2 of her other boys are also Marines. Philip leaves behind a wife and many many friends and loved ones.

Please keep my dear friend and her family in your thoughts and prayers. Along with the military who serve this country.

Philip and Phyllis

Phyllis's Marine sons - Philip, Kenneth & Allen.



Philip with his Mom and Dad



Philip and his wife



365 - Chimes

I love wind chimes.

The tinkling in a soft breeze.

Wondering if the breeze is caress from my Mom. A whisper from my Son. Both gone, but always in my heart and thoughts.

MOMS(mothers of murdered sons/daughters) - Samuel

In a little bit of down time today at work, I found myself on the MOMS (Mothers of Murder Sons/Daughter) board. A couple of months after Samuel was killed, I was searching online for something, someone, anything that could help me deal with his death and I found MOMS. The ladies I "met" there helped me so much. Only another mom who has had their child murdered can understand the heartache we feel every day.

I'm not sure why I went to the MOMS board today, but my heart breaks each time I've gone back and see new members added to the group. This group none of us want to be part of. It's so sad and I feel the pain, the rawness of new members searching for someone who understands this new life.

This year will be 3 since Samuel was killed. 3 years. I have good days and bad days. I try to keep the bad days to myself. Cry when I'm alone, hide the hurt, put a smile on my face and keep going. Most people think I'm doing "so well". That I've moved on with life, that it doesn't hurt as bad. They are wrong. I can't even look at my own son's pictures. It hurts so bad. I have pictures I need to scan, photo books I want to create, but just can't do it! I have CD's of his music, but can't listen to them. Hearing his voice.....I just can't take it. He's buried in TX, I am in NC. Whenever I visit TX I go to the grave site, but hate it. It's a slap of reality that sometimes I avoid. He's not really dead. He's just away.....but once you go to the cemetery there's no denying. He is gone.

I want to reach out to some of my other MOMS, new and old. I've missed them. I keep in touch with some of them on Facebook, but they are really on my heart and mind right now. There must be a reason I wandered onto the site today, not having been there in months. Maybe someone needs a shoulder, an ear. Someone to share the pain. Maybe I can be that someone, or maybe I'm the one who needs someone.

Monday *Maunder - little bit of this and that

Monday already!? Where does the weekend go! I swear Friday - Sunday is nothing but a blur. I'm ready for our Christmas break, which starts next week Dec 22. Let the countdown begin!

We were planning on going to Texas this Christmas, but unfortunately our trip has been put on the back burner. I really wanted to go because it's been over a year since I saw Manuel and my Grandbabies. I have 2 now! I haven't even seen little Jonah yet! It's hard when you have older kids and have to let them go to live their own lives. Your mind knows he's 21 and has babies of his own, but your heart still sees the little boy you raised.

Been thinking alot about Samuel too. I wanted to do an updated photo book with new pictures family members have given me, but I haven't been able to scan the pictures. You would think by now I could look at his pictures, remember the happy times and the life he had. But I can't! 19yrs is too short! He shouldn't be dead! The pictures break my heart whenever I look at them, so I put them away and say to myself that one day I will be able to do this....just not sure when that one day will be.

Wow.....I thought this was going to be a happy post, but I guess I had some things on my heart and mind that needed to get out. Let's see if we can turn this around.

Knitting - that always cheers me up! I really need to stay off Ravelry! Really! I have SO many projects I want to knit right now! I don't even know where to begin. The list keeps growing and growing. I think I'm going to post a list of what I want to knit/learn in this new year, and not just everything I see because, "ohhhh....that's pretty, I shall knit it" knowing I probably will never knit it. If I make a list, maybe that will keep me on track and I won't get distracted with the pretties. Yeah..we shall see how that goes.

One of the projects on my list to knit is a baby doll for my granddaughter Carmen. Right now I'm on the naughty Grandma list. I knit her a R. Danger monster and I have yet to send it to her. It's sitting nice and pretty in our study! Bad Grandma! I'm embarassed to even write that! Ugh! I'm finding a box and sending it to her this week!

Anyways...back to the doll. Anyone have a doll pattern they have tried and like. I have queued a couple patterns from Ravelry, but just want to see if anything else is out there. I would like a good sized doll, something big and huggable. Any suggestions?

OK...I'm done with my Monday Maunder. Do you know what maunder means. I didn't until today, but I needed an M word to go with Monday and meant ramblings and found maunder! Perfect!

*Maunder - means to talk incoherently or to speak in a rambling manner

The pain never stops - Samuel

On Samuel's birthday I asked my friends and family to share any photos or memories they have of Samuel. My step-mom text some pictures to me. Pictures I had never seen of Samuel. I asked her to send me the actual pictures so I could scan them. I got the pictures in the mail yesterday.

When I opened the mailbox and saw the box, my heart started racing. I wanted so much to see the pictures, but knew it would be hard. Even though Samuel has been gone for 2yrs I still have a hard time looking at his pictures. It hurts so much! I'm sure other Mom's who have lost a child can understand. You look back at the pictures, remembering the baby, the little boy and wonder why....WHY! Why is he no longer here? Why did some punk grab a gun, point it at my sons back, while he was laying on the ground unconscious and SHOOT him! OVER A DARE!!!!!!!!!

WHY! WHY! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!



I look at the precious, beautiful little boy he was, and the young man he was becoming and my heart breaks. Just when you think you can breathe again, when you think the pain isn't so crushing, it all comes back with a glimpse of a picture.

I couldn't look at them long.......the hurt, the anger, the tears were just too much. Even writing this post is too much right now......

Happy 22nd Birthday Samuel - Forever 19

Today you would have been 22.

I often think of where you would be in life right now. The kind of man you would be. Before you died, I would catch glimpses of the man you were becoming. We were getting closer, talking more, laughing together more. You were growing up and understanding why I said and did the things I did for you and Manuel. It wasn't just nagging, it was loving you both and wanting what's best for you. I miss our conversations. I miss your smile. I miss you.

Today I'm going to remember the good.....the sweet and cherished memories.

Happy Birthday my 1st baby.

Smile - life is beautiful

Wow - it's October 18th already! This month is flying by.

This has always been my favorite time of year. It still is. Both Samuel and Manuel were born in October. Manuel's birthday was yesterday. He turned 21! Of course I had to give him the speech that just because you are of legal drinking age, doesn't mean you need to go out and act a fool. He called me this morning. He was suffering through work because of a hangover. My advice obviously went in one ear and out the other. He was at least smart enough to have a designated driver.

Samuels' birthday is on the 20th. He would have been 22. On his birthday I try to reminisce on all the good memories, and not the fact that he is no longer with us. I don't want his birthday to be a sad day, but a day to remember the life he had. No matter how short it was. He was here, he was loved, and I want that to be the focus of his birthday.

It's suppose to get chilly this week. The mornings have already been chilly....making it so hard to get out of our warm and cozy bed. The trees are starting to turn red, orange, yellow. I need to get out and take some pictures before they are all blown away. Been doing some baking, and loving the cozy feel of home. I'm ready to light up the fireplace and hibernate!

Lovin' October! Who's lovin' it with me?

Storm clouds

Today was a dreary day

Kinda fit my mood

Sadness has seeped in

I try to fight it, try to hide it

Smile, laugh, put on my mask

I wonder why it's here again...the sadness

And then I realize why

It's almost October

Samuel's birthday

Should be a happy time....but it's not

It's another reminder that he is no longer here

I will never see him again

Clouds roll in

I go outside with my camera

Hoping for a glance, a sign, anything

Are you there

Are you ok

Do you see me

Do you feel how much I miss you

Love you

Wish I could hold you just one more time

One more time

The clouds will roll away

The sun will shine again

My sadness will subside

Life will go on

But I will NEVER, EVER stop missing you

I will NEVER, EVER stop loving you

NEVER, EVER