MOMS(mothers of murdered sons/daughters) - Samuel

In a little bit of down time today at work, I found myself on the MOMS (Mothers of Murder Sons/Daughter) board. A couple of months after Samuel was killed, I was searching online for something, someone, anything that could help me deal with his death and I found MOMS. The ladies I "met" there helped me so much. Only another mom who has had their child murdered can understand the heartache we feel every day.

I'm not sure why I went to the MOMS board today, but my heart breaks each time I've gone back and see new members added to the group. This group none of us want to be part of. It's so sad and I feel the pain, the rawness of new members searching for someone who understands this new life.

This year will be 3 since Samuel was killed. 3 years. I have good days and bad days. I try to keep the bad days to myself. Cry when I'm alone, hide the hurt, put a smile on my face and keep going. Most people think I'm doing "so well". That I've moved on with life, that it doesn't hurt as bad. They are wrong. I can't even look at my own son's pictures. It hurts so bad. I have pictures I need to scan, photo books I want to create, but just can't do it! I have CD's of his music, but can't listen to them. Hearing his voice.....I just can't take it. He's buried in TX, I am in NC. Whenever I visit TX I go to the grave site, but hate it. It's a slap of reality that sometimes I avoid. He's not really dead. He's just away.....but once you go to the cemetery there's no denying. He is gone.

I want to reach out to some of my other MOMS, new and old. I've missed them. I keep in touch with some of them on Facebook, but they are really on my heart and mind right now. There must be a reason I wandered onto the site today, not having been there in months. Maybe someone needs a shoulder, an ear. Someone to share the pain. Maybe I can be that someone, or maybe I'm the one who needs someone.