2019

Happy New Year! 

2018 just flew by didn't it! Don't blink, because 2019 might be gone too. Time is funny like that. Days sometimes drag on and on, but then a year is gone and you're left wondering where the heck it went. I'm feeling that right now. 

With the new year, everyone is setting New Year resolutions. Not I, I never keep them. But there are a few things on my heart and mind that I'd like to do. So here goes. 

During the Christmas break, we went to Texas to visit Manuel, my older son and my Grandbabies. They are growing so fast and I hate being so far away. While visiting Samuel at the cemetery, Jonah, my grandson took my hand and guided me to a headstone. He started to read the headstones out loud to me. In that moment, with his little hand in mine, listening to him read I said to myself I would start writing letters to him and all my Grandbabies. Nothing extravagant or long, just little notes to let them know I'm thinking about them and love them. I wrote some letters last year, but not nearly enough. More letters this year!

In knitting, I want to learn intarsia to knit this sweater for Christmas. There will be a lot of learning in this sweater with intarsia, charts and short rows, all techniques I need to learn. I have almost a whole year to figure it all out. Besides this sweater, there will be plenty of other knitting going on as usual. 

In sewing, I'm still such a beginner and have so much to learn. The reason I wanted to learn to sew was to make vintage dresses and cute novelty skirts. I have plenty of patterns for dresses, so now I just need to decide which one will be my first and sew it up. Before this year is up, I will have made a vintage inspired dress. I have plenty other patterns I want to sew, but the retro dress is the only one I'll list as a must do. No more being afraid, like Nike, I'll just do it! I'll never learn if I don't tackle it. That's why this weekend I plan on organizing my craft room. I'm sure hubby will be happy about that! 

More memories will be made and captured, more words will be written, more loving and living for 2019. And hopefully time will slow down just a bit to savor it all. 

Self Portraits in Black and White and Letter Writing

Welcome 2017!

We are 5 days into 2017. How's your week going? After being on Christmas break since December 16, I'm having a tough time getting back into the swing of things. The days seem so LONG at work. My first day back, I came home and took at 2 hour nap! Hopefully by next week I'll be good.

I'm not one for New Year resolutions(I never keep them), but this year I've decided on two projects. First is a year of self portraits in black and white. I've often tried a 365 project - a picture a day and never succeed. 52 pictures, one a week is more doable. Even though my camera is an older Nikon, I have yet to get it out of auto mode. I'm hoping this project will help me with that.

Why black and white? It's simple, no distractions. You focus on the picture, the feelings. My feelings here.....tired! I had just gotten home from work, threw my hair up in a bun, and into my home wardrobe of t-shirt and leggings. I'm not sure where this project will take me or what I'll learn from it, but I'm looking forward to it.

My second project - letter writing. Good ole' fashioned snail mail. Back in the day, I loved writing letters. I had several pen pals, wrote cousins who lived in other cities. There was nothing better than going to the mailbox and finding a letter. I miss it. So I'm bringing it back. My first letter is going out this week. I hope when the person receives it, it will bring a smile to her face. Actually, I'm sure it will, and I'm almost positive she will write back.

So any projects, goals, resolutions for 2017?

New Hat!

Elijah had a basketball game Friday night, so we turned it into a family date night. Ezekiel was off from work, Sydney(GF) was in town, and Karen/James decided to join us.

After Elijah's game, the men stayed and watched the next game while Karen, Sydney, Ezekiel and I went shopping. I wasn't looking for anything, really don't like shopping, but when I found this hat and put it on, I instantly fell in love. And with the hat being 60% off, I couldn't pass it up. I may have even got a black one too.

Not Perfect

It's ok not to be perfect

This is one of my favorite tees and a great reminder. No one is perfect, no matter how "perfect" they portray themselves on social media. I'm so far from perfect, but you know what? It's ok.

Titus loves me just as am :)

I love these pictures of us. He's not suppose to be on the bed...hubby's rule, but I couldn't resist getting these pictures. I fought getting a dog for over 3 years and finally agreed to get one. And now I couldn't see our life without him. He's not perfect either, but he's perfect for us!

Lake Day

I took the day off on Samuel's birthday, and headed to one of our local lakes. I wanted to spend the day, thinking happy thoughts, and seeing beauty that exists in this harsh world we live in.

Some days are so hard, the news and social media has heartbreaking story, after heartbreaking story. I just wanted to step away from it all. Titus and I spent a few hours at the lake and it was good for my soul. I sat and felt the breeze, listened to the water as it rippled along the shore. I wanted to hijack that little boat on the shore, and sit in the middle of the lake, Just sit, with the gentle rocking of the boat lulling me to sleep. I've often said I would love to live on a houseboat. I love being near water. I prefer an ocean, but sometimes a little lake will do.

I didn't hijack the boat, but I did sit in it for a bit. Maybe next time I will find the owner and ask if I could borrow it.

Me ~ Titus ~ Leaves

Leaves! Leaves! Leaves!

Today, the air is chilly, the leaves are crunchy and I wanted some pictures to remember the joy that is Fall and being in leaves.

I can always count on Ezekiel to be my photographer. He may shake his head, but he'll always appease me.

 As soon as I sat under the tree, Titus came running and sat beside me. No pictures without him in mix. I wish I could get Fonzy and the boys to do the same thing. They hate taking pictures, but I'm hoping this weekend I can get them to sit for a few in the backyard, under this tree. I need a family picture, Titus included. And this is the perfect setting. Our own backyard, where all our memories are. I'm hoping the tree can hold on to some of it's leaves until then.

I'm sure you are tired of me saying it, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Fall! Can it just go on forever!

July 13, 2015 - Moment of Bliss

I asked Ezekiel(16yr old) to take a picture of me with my sunflowers and this is what transpired!

Being encouraged by him acting as a photographer, I posed, laughed, danced and just let go! Let go of EVERYTHING, and just enjoyed the moment. Of course, I can't dance around in the backyard without Titus wanting to join in!

And Ezekiel just continued to snap away.

I hope when I am no longer on this earth, he looks back at these pictures fondly and remembers the July afternoon when he captured his Momma in this moment, playing, laughing, enjoying life. A precious moment of sweet bliss.

Friday Night Date

The boys and Fonzy are out at a basketball game tonight, so it's just Titus and I.

I ordered a pizza, have my pj's on, got my knitting and have romantic movies on the agenda. My kind of Friday night.

Let's do this Titus!

Roller Skating Queen......uh, maybe not

I've been wanting roller skates for a while. I have fond memories of going to the roller rink as a kid and wanted to relive some of that fun. I pictured myself roller skating around our subdivision while Titus trotted beside me. It was perfect.....in my head.

I got my roller skates today, and realized once I put them on, I'm not as steady as I use to be. The visions of Titus and I roller skating around our hood quick changed to trying to not fall by myself! I didn't fall, but it will be a lot of practice and getting confident in skates again before I venture out skating with Titus.Those visions will just have to stay in my head a bit longer.

Breakfast Was Good

I love avocados! I can eat them with anything. This however, was my first time eating them with breakfast but it won't be last! 

I wonder if the boys or my grand kids, or heck even great grand kids will read my blog and wonder why the heck I posted my breakfast. They will probably think I was crazy, but at least they will know I loved avocados. And on this date in history, what I had for breakfast. 

I would like to see a meal my Mom prepared, what she ate on a certain day. her thoughts, dreams, fears. Everyday little things. Maybe generations from now, my kids, kids, kids will want to see some of my life too. And through this blog, they will get a glimpse. 

So for those great, great, grand kids.....breakfast was good today! And if you happen to love avocados, this is where you got it from! 

44

44

God has blessed me to be on this earth for 44 years. Not everyone get's this chance. I know this all too well, but I'm still here and that means my work on earth is not done.

Some thoughts I'm having today:

~ I am blessed with the life I have. So many people long for what I already have. A husband who loves me, and 4 beautiful boys. Even though my oldest Samuel left this earth at 19, I still had him for those precious years, and I'm thankful.

~ I have a beautiful home. It's not a mansion, but it's MY home, filled with people I love, and a dog :) and more than I could ever ask for.

~ I had a great childhood, filled with people who loved me, and so many great memories, I often take trips down memory lane just to visit.

~ I've finally come to a point that I am happy with who I am. It's taken many years, but I'm comfortable in my skin. So many years I wanted to look like someone else, be someone else, prettier, skinnier, just not me. No longer do I wish that. I'm happy to be me, in all my imperfectness!

~ I'm a country girl at heart! I would much rather be in the country, sitting on a porch swing, sipping coffee, enjoying the simple things in life.

~ I've had more happy in my life than sad. Yes, I've had heartache, one of my worst nightmares come true, but through it all, God never left my side and neither did the people who love me. I've always had someone to lean on, to cry on, to scream, to just listen and be there. 

~  I love being a knitter and sharing my craft. I wish for this year to make many more dolls and have people love them, cherish them, pass them on through generations and remember me fondly when they hug and cuddle with them. They all have a little piece of me in the stitches.

I don't know how many more years I will be on this earth. I pray I have many more to spend with the ones I love, but if God decides to take me, even today, I've been loved, have loved, and I wouldn't ask for anything more.

Your Story Matters

I've often wondered what people will say of me once I'm gone. What memories they will hold on to. Do you ever wonder that?

We are on this earth for such a short time. Whether we get  1 yr. or 100, in the scheme of things, its just a dot of time.

Will my boys remember my laugh? Will they remember me knitting? What will they hold dear? What pictures will they cherish?  I think about Manuel, far from me in Texas. What will his memories be? Will it be our disagreements? Our arguments? Will he remember I love him, even though we do fight? Is there something I can do now to change what he remembers?

If I go before Fonzy, what will he miss most about me? Will he see a tree in Fall, with the vibrant oranges, reds and yellows, and remember how much I love Fall. Sunsets, and clouds. Will he miss putting his hand under me while we sleep? The love we make, the fights we have, the life we live?

I think about this often. Maybe it's because I find myself forgetting....forgetting things about my Mom....forgetting things about Samuel. I want to hold onto those memories so tightly, but no matter how tight I hold on, they slip through my clenched hands...and I hate it.

Their stories mattered. My story matters. Our stories matter. And I don't want to forget them.

Mother's Day, Migraines and New Shoes

I woke up on Mother's Day at 5:30am in excruciating pain. My head felt like it was going to explode! I have headaches almost everyday, but this pain was like nothing I had ever felt. My moaning in pain woke up Fonzy. I told him I had the worst headache and he got up, went downstairs to the kitchen to get my pills and some ice water. After I took the pills, he laid back down beside me and rubbed my head until I fell back to sleep. He knows this helps with the headaches.

The medicine I take is a prescription for migraines. My Dr. told me it use to be prescribed for depression, but found to work on migraines. I guess it works. It knocks me out, and while in the drug induced sleep I don't feel the headache. So I guess that kind of works in a roundabout way. The boys call it my "crazy medicine" since they claim I have flipped out on them while under the influence. I plead the fifth on that.

I woke up a few hours later to the smell of bacon, and coffee and my head still pounding.The meds had me groggy, so I dozed in and out of sleep. At one point in the morning Elijah lay in the bed with me. He told me he knows how it feels to have a headache, because he's had one. He said when he has a headache he thinks his brain is growing, but he said that might not be true, because I have headaches all the time and my brain can't be that big. Unless, he said your brain had graduated already. I had to smile at that.

The boys bought me up breakfast in bed that Fonzy cooked. Once I ate, I lay back down and back to sleep. I'm not sure how much time lapsed, but I felt Fonzy get back in the bed with me and rubbed my head. After a bit, he got up and I was left in my drug induced slumber.

Fading in and out of sleep I thought this was not the way Mother's Day was suppose to go. I had a new dress and shoes to wear to church. I had gotten my toes done on Saturday just for my new shoes. Instead, I lay crumpled in bed, hair wild, in one of Fonzy's old ripped t-shirts. I was suppose to be pretty for Mothers day!

I thought about my Mom, and felt jealous of other people who had their Mom's on this day, and all the years I didn't have mine. I wondered of her Mother's days, and if she was treated like a queen. I can't remember one of them. I hope I at least told her I loved her and Happy Mother's day. Even after 28yrs. I still miss her.

I thought about the Mother I am. And if I were to die right then, what would my boys remember of me? And dying was definitely on my mind. At one point I thought I was going to the ER I was in so much pain. But going to the ER involved getting up and dressed and that was not happening. I thought what would I do if I had a tumor and my head needed to be shaved. Oh my gosh, how could I go around with a bald head! Then I thought about my Mom and how she was still beautiful, even after losing all her hair. The things you think about when you are on drugs!

I lay in bed until about 4pm, and decided I had enough! I was going to get up and beat this headache. I beat it all the way down the stairs, to the couch and back to sleep! That basically summed up my day. Fonzy and the boys ordered pizza for dinner. Had Mother's Day gone the way I wanted I would have tried to convince them to take me to Mr. Wonderful's Chicken and Waffles. They have the best chicken! And since it was Mother's Day, they would have to go. Instead, I ate pizza, in an old ripped t-shirt, pajama pants, hair wild and thanked God when the pain subsided enough for me to sit up. Just in time to take a shower and go back to bed.

Not the Mother's day I planned, but life rarely goes as planned, right? I have a Dr. appointment scheduled for tomorrow....just to make sure it's not a tumor and I won't need to shave my head! And my new shoes will be waiting for me next Sunday.

Shadow

I've started this post as least a dozen times and not even sure this one will make it to post.  So another 365 project has met it's death. And I will not be trying it again. I found myself snapping a picture just for the sake of getting a picture a day and I wasn't liking it. I've tried to come back to this blog several times, but something wasn't right. I couldn't find the words, the thoughts didn't flow like they use to. I was trying so hard to write, that it stopped me from writing. Funny how that works, huh.

I still want to blog, but I think I'm going about it the wrong way. This use to be a space that I bared my soul, whatever I was feeling or thinking I would just put it down. Didn't matter if anyone was reading. I did it for me. Over time, it became not for me. I found myself writing to have the perfect post. It was no longer about me. It was about what everyone else wanted. Or what I thought everyone else wanted to see. The part that was ME was gone. I no longer liked blogging. And my sporadic posts showed it.

I've decided to take my blog back. Back to me. Back to my thoughts, my feelings, my life. And not worry about who's reading, or if it will gain more readers, or trying to fit in a blog mold. When I look back on this blog, and when my boys, and even grand kids find this space, I want it to be a true representation of me, not just a shadow of who I was or who I thought everyone wanted me to be. Just ME, in my truest form possible.

February Snow

We finally got a snow day!

We only got a dusting but it was so pretty. The biggest, fluffiest snow I think I've ever seen. It was like cotton falling from the sky. I just had to go outside and play in it! Elijah enjoys the snow as much as I do. Ezekiel - not so much.

Snow always reminds me of home. Of sweet childhood, wonder and innocence. Being out in it brings me right back.