Another sleepless night

Last night was another sleepless night. I swear I saw every hour creep by, 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30….I finally dozed off and the alarm went off at 5:30am. I have the biggest headache right now, and on my way to a second cup of coffee.


taken with blackberry

While tossing and turning I thought about Samuel and writing his killer. I don't know why, but I have been thinking a lot about that. I want this guy to know Samuel, to know his brothers, to know me and the pain his actions caused. I want him to explain to me why he felt the need to shot Samuel in the back as he lay face down on the ground.



WHY!? WHY!? WHY!!!!!!


taken with blackberry

The holidays are upon us and even though Samuel didn’t spend every Christmas with me, at least I knew he was alive and well. Just listening to Christmas songs bring me to tears. I wanted more time with him, I wanted to see him grow into a man, fall in love, experience more in his life. 19yrs is too short. I think about all the other MOMS going through the same thing. I’m so thankful to have found this group of ladies. I know that whatever I am feeling, they are more than likely feeling too. One of the MOMS made a calendar for all of us. It lists the dates of our kid’s birthdays and the day they died. In the month of their birth, there is a baby picture and in the month they died, it has a recent picture. Some people don’t understand why we would want a calendar to remind us every day of the pain, but again, that is someone who has not lost a child. We want to remember the dates for other MOMS because we know on those days; they are going to need extra love, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers. We want them to know that we remember their child and he/she is not forgotten. I think that is one of our fears, that our child will be forgotten. As time goes on, Samuel’s friends and even family will no longer remember his birthday, or the day he died. He will slowly fade away. But as his Mom, I will always remember the day he was born and the day I got the call that he was no longer here.