Brothers

A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams.
~Author Unknown

Snowday

We got our first snow of the year today. It's not the fluffy white snow I like. It was kind of hard, with frozen rain mixed in, but the boys didn't care. Right after breakfast they were outside.

Had to share.....

Coach

"A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals."
~Larry Bird

Friends/MOMS

Looking at the moon last night, I was thinking of a new friend I've made. She is a mom in the UK who found my blog while searching for other moms who had lost their son/child to murder. Her son was killed a few weeks after my Samuel. We've been sharing long e-mails about our lives, and how we are dealing with the loss of our sons. I've only seen one picture of her and a few of her son, but I feel such a connection with her...I can't explain it. I've been stalking my e-mail for her notes and get excited when I see her name.

Looking up at the moon, I think of our sons and like the other MOMS(Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters) I like to think of them in Heaven, all our kids together, watching over us.

So M...you know who you are, I'm glad you found me. I'm sorry it had to be under these circumstances, but we are on this journey together and I for one am glad we found each other.

And to my other MOMS - this journey would not be possible if you weren't here with me. I love you all, think of you all everday and pray for you all.

The boys

So last Friday was my birthday and normally we go out to dinner. I was a little upset that Fonzy decided to have basketball practice and my birthday dinner was going to be later than I like. I wanted him to cancel practice and be home early to celebrate. I know.....I'm such a baby. I admit it. You don't have to tell me.

Anyways....I pick up the boys from school and decide to go to the library to get some books we had on hold, and also to waste some time until dinner. When we get to the library, I go through the spiel of how to act in the library. No loud talking...whisper. No running around. No acting crazy. Just act like you have some sense and home training. Easy....right. We've been to the library hundreds of times. They KNOW how to act. So into the library we go.

We head to the section where our books are on hold. As I'm getting the books, Elijah asks to go check out the kids section...rather loudly I might add. Rule number one broken. I told him he could, but before I could finish telling him to be quiet, he was off and RUNNING! Rule number 2 broken. I didn't want to yell for him to walk, and be quiet because then I would be breaking the rules. Ezekiel follows after Elijah. I turn to finish getting my books off the shelf when I hear a kid hollering/screaming! Of course that kid would be Elijah! I snatch the books off the shelf and head to the kids section. I find the boys talking very loudly. Elijah said he screamed because Ezekiel came up behind him and scared him. Of course he is still not whispering and people in the library are starting to stare at us. I go to grab Elijah to tell him to be quiet and he falls out on the floor! I could have strangled him! So there I am threatening to beat the living daylights out of him, but trying to do it quietly so no one can hear me. I grab his arm and tell them to come on. We were leaving! Of course both Ezekiel and Elijah are protesting loudly that they do not want to leave. I give them the look...you know the look....saying wait until we get home. They follow me to check out the books we have and out the door we go. We lasted all of 5 minutes in the library!

On the drive home.....
"I swear I can't take you anywhere! You go into the library and act like you have never been there! This is exactly why I don't take you anywhere with me! You can't act right for five freakin' minutes. Did you see any other kids acting a fool, rolling around on the ground. NO! Don't ask me to take you anywhere else! I'm done. When we get home, go to your room, because I don't want to see either of you.

I'm sure it was worse than that, but it's been almost a week and my memory's not that great. Suffice it to say, I was not in a good mood and neither were the boys. We get home and they go to their room. About an hour passes when Elijah comes into the livingroom, and hands me the note below.


He turns it over and this is what is says. He wants to go Karen's - my sister's house. He hands me a pen, all without talking to me and wants me to circle one of the answers. Of course I answer no.


So off he goes and I hear him and Ezekiel whispering. A few minutes later Elijah comes back with another note.


See the arrow to turn the card over....


I had to try my hardest not to laugh. They are such a mess.

Of course they went to dinner with us....at 8PM! Almost bedtime, but I'm not complaining....really I'm not.

Samuel

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed...
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.

Listening

I listen for you in the quiet of the night, when I'm laying down to sleep
I peer into the darkness, hoping for a glimpse of you
When the wind blows, I stop and listen, hoping I will hear you whisper you're there
Every moment of every day, I'm listening, looking
Longing for just one sign, one sound, one moment
Of you

Sunrise

With each new sunrise we start anew.

39

self portrait taken on my birthday

I am 39 years and 3 days old today. In my 39 years I have...

~lost my mom to cancer when I was 15 - she was 31.
~lived in 3 states, New York, Texas and now North Carolina
~given birth to 4 boys, Samuel, Manuel, Ezekiel and Elijah
~stood before God and said "I do" to the only man who was meant for me, who makes me better
~buried my first born Samuel who was shot and killed at the age of 19
~had many jobs, but none that was truly my passion
~yet to figure out what my purpose is
~will become a Grandma

I feel these are some of the big things that made me who I am today. As I get older, I think back on my life, where I have been and where I'm going. A friend told me it's all down hill from here....half my life is over and if I live to be 80, I guess that's true. And I wonder what difference did I make? Why did God put me in this life? At this point, I can't answer that. I've been doing a lot of soul searching, asking myself a lot of questions, trying to get to the heart and soul of ME and I'm finding it hard. I know this journey of finding myself is not going to be easy, but it's something I must do, especially if half my life is over.

All The Pretty Horses

Saturday Elijah and I went to ride horses. I love to ride and figured since my brother Jay and SIL Vicki have horses we needed to take advantage of it. The bitter cold we've had for the past 2-3 weeks gave way to 60 degree weather! Perfect for horseback riding.

This was Elijah's first time riding by himself. Vicki walked Cody around the corral for a bit, then let him go. Elijah did good, even when Cody decided to gallop. Elijah held on and just laughed. I, on the other hand about died. All I could see was him falling off! Thank God he didn't.

After Elijah rode, we rode together. I got Cody to gallop and Elijah and I couldn't stop laughing as we bounced up and down.




Vodka, Jay's horse, was always searching for snacks. Elijah was showing Vodka he didn't have any snacks, so I gave him one, and almost gave him my finger!



Jay and Vodka

Vicki and Cody

Elijah leading Vodka to his corral.








It was fun spending some quality time with Elijah. Time filled with smiles and giggles instead of yelling and frowns.

Elijah can't wait to do it again, and honestly, neither can I. We need more memories like this.

We're playing basketball

We are in the middle of basketball season, the boys playing and Fonzy coaching. Fonzy’s game last night was exciting! So exciting I didn’t even take pictures! The team they played beat them last year, 73-19! So Fonzy used that as motivation for the game last night.

The refs must have been for the other team, because they were making horrible calls, causing Fonzy to get his first technical and almost kicked out of the game! But his team prevailed and played even harder after the technical. Final score was 38-31.

Go Wolves!

Elijah


Ezekiel fighting for the ball


Fonzy in action - from a previous game.

4pm Monday - Friday = Homework

Samuel

Today there was another bail reduction hearing for one of the guys involved in Samuel’s murder. The shooter had a hearing a few months ago, and was denied, so I was praying for the same. I got the call during lunch from Andrea that the reduction was denied! I wish I could be there at the hearings to look these punks in the eye, to have them look me in the eye, to see the pain they’ve caused, but unfortunately I’m here in NC. I wished they had this hearing while I was in Texas. I asked Andrea all the details of what was said and done and now kind of wish I hadn’t. I guess they guy’s mom was there and according to her, her son was trying to help Samuel when he was shot, but once the DA asked him some questions, it was obvious he was lying. I’ve heard different variations of what really happened the night Samuel was killed, and what was said today was something different. From what I was initially told, Samuel was helping a 16yr old girl who was getting beat up in a parking lot. While helping her, these guys came up to him and they had words. This is where the story has changed. After words were exchanged, the guys went to their vehicle and got a gun. They hit Samuel, knocked him out and shot him in the back. Today, it was told that after words were exchanged, the guys knocked Samuel out, left him there on the ground, went up to an apartment, got the gun and shot him. WHY SHOOT HIM!!!!! He was already knocked out. The guy in the hearing today was trying to say he was helping Samuel, but he went up to the apartment with the shooter to GET THE GUN! He had several probation violations and was still out to help kill my son! This system is so screwed! All I can see is Samuel lying on the ground in the parking lot. There were 20-30 people around and no one did a thing! What is wrong with people? I just don’t understand!!!!!!!

A trial date for the shooter has been set for April, and the other 2 guys are set for May, but I am told it will probably be pushed back. I will be there for the trial, to look these punks in the face and let them know all the pain they have caused, the precious life they took. They probably won’t care since they obviously didn’t care when they shot him in his back, but at least I will finally have my say….for Samuel.