My Son's Headstone

Samuel's headstone came in today. I was home, helping Ezekiel and Elijah with homework, cooking dinner when I get the call. I got the proof weeks ago, and we have just been waiting for them to finish it so it can be set at his grave. I didn't think I would have a hard time viewing it, since I had the proof, but this is the real thing....too real. I feel sick to my stomach.

You know, your mind can have you believe that this is not true. My first born is not dead. I know I saw his body in a casket, but really...it didn't look like him. Not really. It's all mistake and Samuel is going to call, laughing saying he was just traveling, selling his CD's. This is just a horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up. You can make yourself believe it. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Your mind trying to help ease all the pain...make it a little easier. I don't know. Some days I think I'm ok, and may seem ok to everyone around me, but I'm not. I can put up a good front, but the pain..it's unbearable at times. There have been times I've thought that I would be OK if I died right now. I would be with Samuel, and my Mom. I know it's not fair to my boys here or Fonzy, but I would be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind in a moment of pain. I'm still waiting for Samuel to come to me in my dreams. The other day I was sitting on the floor in the livingroom and saw something move out of the corner of my eye and my first thought was Samuel. I looked around, but of course nothing was there. My mind was just playing tricks on me I guess. I think about Samuel in the ground and it kills me. We briefly thought about having him cremated, but I'm glad we didn't. I know it's just his body, but I can't imagine him not being there in TX...having only ashes. I don't think I could handle that. I'm having a hard enough time as it is.

19 and gone....how can this be? I still can't believe it's true.


an 8X10 plaque made for us to have