Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Son's Headstone

Samuel's headstone came in today. I was home, helping Ezekiel and Elijah with homework, cooking dinner when I get the call. I got the proof weeks ago, and we have just been waiting for them to finish it so it can be set at his grave. I didn't think I would have a hard time viewing it, since I had the proof, but this is the real thing....too real. I feel sick to my stomach.

You know, your mind can have you believe that this is not true. My first born is not dead. I know I saw his body in a casket, but didn't look like him. Not really. It's all mistake and Samuel is going to call, laughing saying he was just traveling, selling his CD's. This is just a horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up. You can make yourself believe it. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Your mind trying to help ease all the pain...make it a little easier. I don't know. Some days I think I'm ok, and may seem ok to everyone around me, but I'm not. I can put up a good front, but the's unbearable at times. There have been times I've thought that I would be OK if I died right now. I would be with Samuel, and my Mom. I know it's not fair to my boys here or Fonzy, but I would be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind in a moment of pain. I'm still waiting for Samuel to come to me in my dreams. The other day I was sitting on the floor in the livingroom and saw something move out of the corner of my eye and my first thought was Samuel. I looked around, but of course nothing was there. My mind was just playing tricks on me I guess. I think about Samuel in the ground and it kills me. We briefly thought about having him cremated, but I'm glad we didn't. I know it's just his body, but I can't imagine him not being there in TX...having only ashes. I don't think I could handle that. I'm having a hard enough time as it is.

19 and can this be? I still can't believe it's true.

an 8X10 plaque made for us to have


Stange Family said...

I am praying for you.

Veronica said...

Isaida, just lean on God...He is your comforter.

Anonymous said...

Very beautiful, very sad, I know the pain you feel, please know you are not alone. I pray the memories of your beautiful boy will keep you strong. I know some days are worse than others, please know you will always be in my prayers.
Timmy's mom

Shirley said...

Just remember you are never alone you have all of us and your Samuel is watching over you. I had my Jim cremated I couldn't stand the thought of him being burried and not having him with me. Now I wonder who I will have be the keeper of his ashes if anything should happen to me before his little girl is old enough to take care of them. Love and Hugs Shirley

Margaret said...

It really is lovely , its international. My son was also murdered last year in London UK. I am now going to get one made for my son .

Your blog is lovely, thank - you so much for sharing ,