Ezekiel has been going through some things lately. He's normally an easy-going kid and doesn't get into trouble, but lately he's been having some issues. I don’t know if it’s pre-teen stuff or as the school counselor thinks, his grief with the death of Samuel. He really hasn’t talked a lot about Samuel. I guess we all haven’t talked too much about it. I mean, we talk about Samuel, share memories, but not really talk about his murder, or our feelings about it. I have not gone to any counseling and honestly would prefer not to right now, but the school counselor suggested Ezekiel go to grief counseling, so we went. Last night was our first night in group counseling. Ezekiel was with other kids his age. The majority of the kids had lost a parent, mostly Dads due to illness. He was the only one who had lost a sibling and to murder. The first thing we did as a group was write our favorite memory of our loved one on a butterfly. Ezekiel wrote the time he went fishing with Samuel. The butterflies were added to a mural the group is making. It was hard to see the kids add the butterflies with their memories. Some of them broke down crying. Grief is the same, no matter how the person was lost, sickness, suicide, murder – the outcome is still the same. That person is no longer here. After all the butterflies were added, we broke off into our individual groups. The kids went into groups by their age and all the adults were together. The session yesterday was a getting to know each other session. Anyone who wanted could share their story. The stories were heartbreaking and many tears were shed. I shared my/Samuel’s story. I have to admit, I did not want to be there. I’ve had people tell me that counseling will help, but I left there so depressed. When I got home I went straight to bed. I guess I have avoidance issues. I’m not really avoiding Samuel’s death, there’s no way I can avoid it, but I try not to dwell too much on it. I don’t know if I’m explaining this right. I think about Samuel every day, all day long, but I try to remember the good times. I guess to everyone, I am doing great. That is the picture I portray, the mask I wear. But I must admit its killing me inside. There have been times where I felt I couldn’t breathe, the pain was so much. And maybe going to counseling will help, who knows. Ezekiel feels it’s helping him, so I will continue to go, and maybe, just maybe it will help me too.
Ezekiel's favorite memory below....
