Samuel’s death has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Words can’t describe how much pain I feel when I look at his pictures and think about his murder. How my son was shot in the back, lying on the ground in a parking lot. It hurts to even type. I have talked to people who know nothing of Samuel’s death, and when the question comes up of how many kids I have, I always say 4 boys. I have not been able to say my oldest is no longer with me. I just talk as if he’s still alive. I never know what to say. I mean, I could say my oldest passed away, but the next question would be how and I would have to go into how he was murdered. And really, what will the person say then? I’m sure it would be very uncomfortable. There are so many emotions I feel, sorrow, anger, emptiness, pain, guilt and so many more. No one can truly understand what I feel unless they have experienced the same thing. A loss of a child is the worst thing a parent has to deal with, and it is a whole other ballgame when your child has been murdered. When I returned home from Samuel’s funeral, I searched online for some sort of support, someone who could understand and possibly help me with all that I was going through and I found MOMS – Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters. How sad that MOMS could stand for that. I read through the stories of other Moms who had lost their children to murder and mourned with them. I felt their pain, because it is a pain I know all too well. I posted my introduction and told a little about Samuel, his murder and received tons of support. All of these women understood my pain. All that I was feeling, they had also felt. Some had been dealing with the death of their child for years, had been through the court process and could offer insight to what I was up against. It helps tremendously to know I am not alone. I joined this group of Moms shortly after Samuel’s death, so it has been a little over 2 months and in that time two or three more MOMS have joined us. It hurts my heart every time I see a post from a new Mom. No one wants to be a part of this group…no one. But I’m glad it’s here. I’m thankful that Debbie Wiley, the founder of MOMS, was able to see past the pain of losing her son Philip and think of us other MOMS. This group has been a blessing to me, and I pray that I can offer a little comfort/support to the other MOMS as we all face life without our children.