Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Back to school

Well, it’s that time again….back to school. The boys and Fonzy’s first day back was yesterday. I wasn’t up early enough to get a picture of Fonzy, but I was able to get a picture of the boys. They really didn’t want to pose as you can see, but I had to take the first day of school picture. Ezekiel is a 5th grader and Elijah is a 2nd grader. I can’t believe Ezekiel will be in middle school next year. Where has the time gone!

1st day of school '09
Ezekiel and Elijah

This summer just flew by. It's all a blur to me. I got the call about Samuel Memorial weekend, the start of summer, and now summer is almost over. It’s been 3 months and 3 days since he was killed. 3 short months, but it seems like a lifetime. I’m still having trouble sleeping and Samuel is on my mind all day, every day. There are times during the day when I am busy that he gets pushed to the back of my mind, but he is always there. I wish so much to be able to go back in time, to cherish the time I had with him. There were a lot of things we didn't see eye to eye on, school being one, but now it seems so pointless. I know when he was alive it wasn’t pointless, but……I don’t know. I just think about all the time wasted, all the missed opportunities. All the hopes and dreams he had, gone. He never experienced true love, never got the chance to be a Daddy, not that he wanted to be one, but still he may have. His life was so short. It’s just so unfair. I know there are thousands of other mothers going through the same thing I am. Fonzy and I were watching a show the other night on CNN about the gun violence in Chicago and so many young people and kids being killed. They had some of the parents on, and I felt their pain. It’s just all so senseless. So many lives lost. For what???? Nothing! One of the Moms had a newspaper article of her son’s murder. He was the 500th murder in Chicago this year. She saved the article because her son said one day he would be famous and in the paper. I’m sure neither one of them thought it would be for this. Samuel’s murder was also in the paper and on the news in Abilene. He too wanted to be famous.

Samuel/Manuel
Samuel and Manuel

I look at pictures of my first born and can’t believe he is no longer here. Sometimes I can’t even bear to look at his pictures. Day by day, I get up and go through my day like I use to before Samuel died, but nothing will ever be the same. I look into the clouds and wish I could see him there. In my dreams, I wait for him to appear. When I’m lying in bed, unable to sleep, I look around in the dark, hoping to see him standing there…anything to know he is ok. I look for signs, plead for signs, but none have come. It’s not like you see in the movies. There will be no pennies floating across a room, no psychic telling me they spoke to Samuel. All I have are my memories, and I know in time even they will fade. I long to go to the cemetery…for what…I’m not really sure. I know it’s just his body, but I want to be there. I can’t explain it. I know one day I will be back in Texas, but it seems so far away. I think I would be ok if I could just go there every now and then. Samuel’s birthday will be coming up in October and I wish I could be there. I know Manuel will be having a tough time, and I’m sure he will be at the cemetery. He goes almost every day. I don’t know if it helps, but I think it might help a bit, just being there. We all just miss Samuel so much and it’s not getting any easier.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello Isaida I know school puts a weight on my heart when I think of buying school supplies and new clothes and sneaks for Timmy and I feel like crying when I walk into a store and see all that stuff or the kids now going all dressed in their new stuff. We used to love going shopping and getting him new things. He is emblazzoned in my heart, soul and mind forever at the age of 15. I just wanted you to know that each passing moment there is something that makes me think of him, and this time of year is the worse now I dread the coming of winter and the holidays. Love to you, Bette, Timmy Clark's mom