Friday, August 28, 2009

Carousal Dreams

taken with blackberry

This past Saturday we were up and about early as Elijah had football practice and we needed to find shoes for Ezekiel before school started. Fonzy and I are not the type of parents who just drop our kids off at practice and leave. We are way too over protective for that. We sit there and watch practice. Well, this Saturday morning Fonzy decided we could leave Elijah at practice and run to the mall to grab Ezekiel’s shoes. I was hesitant to go, but he talked me into it, so we drop Elijah off at 9am for practice and run to the mall. Now I’m thinking we are going to the mall right down the street. No big deal, right? Uh no….we are going to the mall that is about 15 -20 minutes away. That may not seem very far, but to me it was. The whole drive I’m thinking about Elijah ALONE at practice. What if he broke a bone? What if he had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance? We should be there, he would be scared. But no, we dropped him off and burnt off! What were we thinking!

Well, we get to the mall around 9:30am and it doesn’t open until 10am! More stress for me. Even though the stores don't open until 10am, you can still go insidethe mall. We make our way to Finish Line, with a stop at Cinnabon to wait for the store to open. 20 minutes or so later Ezekiel and Fonzy finally get into the store. I sit on a bench in front of this carousal to wait for them. I’m not really sure what came over me, but I imagined Samuel as a little boy, on the carousal, smiling and waving at me and the tears start to flow. I’m not even sure Samuel ever rode a carousal, but it didn’t matter. I saw him on the carousal at that moment. It’s strange what will trigger my memories or thoughts of him. I was listening to an Usher song the other day on my way to work and start crying; crying because Samuel never had the chance to have a baby. I can be fine one minute and crying the next. I know this is all part of the grieving process, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Fonzy and Ezekiel come out the store and notice me wiping tears from my eyes. Ezekiel thought I was crying because we left Elijah behind. Who knows, that probably played a factor in my mood. I'm sure it didn't help any. We made it back to Elijah’s practice on-time; he didn’t break any bones or had to be taken away in an ambulance….Thank God…but you can bet I won’t be leaving him alone again at practice. Too much stress for me. I’ll just have to stay the over-protective mother.


Anonymous said...

Isaida, there is nothing I could say that seems appropriate. All the usual crap about, God knows what he is doing and time heals all wounds and all that other mumbo jumbo people use to try and comfort you when you lose someone seems so useless to even try to tell you. I cant say that I understand b/c I have never lost a child, but I have lost a few people in my years and do know a lil bit about the whole grieving process and the scenarios u find yourself in.and SOmeone could tell you that the sky is blue, maybe samuel had a blue shirt or something and there you go... it setes you off . I am rambling on and on but I just want you to know that I will always be here for you if you ever want to talk about things, or maybe just to cry. I love you girl and pray every day for you that the Lord will give you the strength you need when you need it. Your sistergirl.. KP

Anonymous said...

Isaida,may the lord bless thee and keep thee my prayers are with you and your family in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. love is the best thing in the world, and the thing that lives longest samuel knew of the love he had from his mom and family may you find peace in knowing that.i was very much touched by your story what a beautiful family ,wow the boys are all grown up its hard to believe and very handsome too! i have missed you guys karl sends his love and i am here when ever you need me love ya much!!!!!!!! sign NEVER TO LOOSE TOUCH AGAIN deborah