Thursday, September 1, 2011

I had a nervous breakdown today


Ezekiel is 12, in 7th grade and has never taken a bus to school. I or Fonzy have always taken the boys to school. And since Fonzy is a teacher at the middle school he attends, he rides with him. Riding with his Dad, means he has to sit at the school until Dad's work is done. School lets out at 2:15, and because of meetings or basketball practice they would get home around 5pm or on basketball practice nights, about 7pm. So this year, Ezekiel asked if he could ride the bus home. I was hesitant.....VERY hesitant. I felt the bus stop was too far from the house. It was around the corner and up the street. Too far for him to walk alone, but of course him and Fonzy talked me into it. So last week Friday was his first day riding the bus and being a latchkey kid.

The rules for riding the bus were sit in the first seat on the bus, near the driver. I've seen too many bus fights on TV. Walk straight home! No detours! When you get home, first thing, turn off the alarm. Next, lock the door back, then set the alarm again. DO NOT answer the door, nobody over and CALL ME as soon as the alarm is set!

So first couple days, all went as planned. He found another boy who lives in our cul de sac, so they were able to walk home together. He got in the house alright, set the alarm, and would call me about 5 mins to 3pm.....until today!

 I'm at work expecting his call and about 3:05pm he still hadn't called. I called home, called Fonzy at work, no answer. I alternated back and forth from each number for about 5 mins, until finally Fonzy answered. I'm already stressed out! He said the buses left a little late, so give him some time to get home. Fine...I leave work, and on my way to pick up Elijah I keep dialing home to NO ANSWER!

I get Elijah and continue dialing home and Fonzy, home, and Fonzy, home and Fonzy to no answer. It's about 20 mins now from the time Ezekiel should have called. I'm shaking, crying, and feeling nauseous! Finally Fonzy answers his phone. He hasn't heard from Ezekiel, but on his way home. So now, it's been about 30 mins since the time he should have been home. I'm feeling like I need to throw up, but not wanting to slow down from the 90+ mile an hour I'm driving to get home. Fonzy tells me to calm down, he probably left his key home and was at the neighbors house. But I was still thinking, why hasn't he called!!!!!!

I'm crying, yelling at him and probably scaring Elijah, who is in the backseat. Fonzy is trying to calm me down so I don't crash, but I was pretty hysterical at this point. All I could think was Ezekiel beat up, kidnapped, dead. Yes....I was thinking the worst. But even though I was thinking the worst, I was also praying to God to please, please, not let anything be wrong.

Fonzy is still trying to calm me down and telling me to stop always thinking the worst, and why do I always do that anyway. And I yelled, "Because the worst has happened!" The worst being one of my boys gone. DEAD. SHOT. BURIED. For no reason!!!!!!

I know I shouldn't think the worst all the time, and I try really hard not to, but I can't help it. It's a constant struggle. When they are late, and I can't reach them, I panic! Fonzy made it home, and Ezekiel was indeed at the neighbors house, because he forgot his key. I pulled into the cul de sac as they were walking out of the neighbors house. Ezekiel was afraid to come in the house, because he thought I was going to go off. I went straight upstairs to the bathroom, I felt so sick.

I composed myself before I came downstairs and decided that's it. No more bus! My nerves can't take it. Fonzy feels I am exaggerating when I say he can ride the bus when he's in high school....maybe.

I don't know. I just know that I can't take losing another one of my sons. I CAN'T! Maybe I'm being too protective, maybe I need to let go a little, but right now, at this very moment I can't.

Oh...and Ezekiel had called, but I was dialing home and Fonzy so frantically, that I missed the call. I noticed it when I got home and had calmed down.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

One day at a time. The bus might be too much for you, for now. It's okay. Sounds like your boys understand.

I found you blog from the follow on Twitter.