Carousal Dreams

taken with blackberry

This past Saturday we were up and about early as Elijah had football practice and we needed to find shoes for Ezekiel before school started. Fonzy and I are not the type of parents who just drop our kids off at practice and leave. We are way too over protective for that. We sit there and watch practice. Well, this Saturday morning Fonzy decided we could leave Elijah at practice and run to the mall to grab Ezekiel’s shoes. I was hesitant to go, but he talked me into it, so we drop Elijah off at 9am for practice and run to the mall. Now I’m thinking we are going to the mall right down the street. No big deal, right? Uh no….we are going to the mall that is about 15 -20 minutes away. That may not seem very far, but to me it was. The whole drive I’m thinking about Elijah ALONE at practice. What if he broke a bone? What if he had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance? We should be there, he would be scared. But no, we dropped him off and burnt off! What were we thinking!

Well, we get to the mall around 9:30am and it doesn’t open until 10am! More stress for me. Even though the stores don't open until 10am, you can still go insidethe mall. We make our way to Finish Line, with a stop at Cinnabon to wait for the store to open. 20 minutes or so later Ezekiel and Fonzy finally get into the store. I sit on a bench in front of this carousal to wait for them. I’m not really sure what came over me, but I imagined Samuel as a little boy, on the carousal, smiling and waving at me and the tears start to flow. I’m not even sure Samuel ever rode a carousal, but it didn’t matter. I saw him on the carousal at that moment. It’s strange what will trigger my memories or thoughts of him. I was listening to an Usher song the other day on my way to work and start crying; crying because Samuel never had the chance to have a baby. I can be fine one minute and crying the next. I know this is all part of the grieving process, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Fonzy and Ezekiel come out the store and notice me wiping tears from my eyes. Ezekiel thought I was crying because we left Elijah behind. Who knows, that probably played a factor in my mood. I'm sure it didn't help any. We made it back to Elijah’s practice on-time; he didn’t break any bones or had to be taken away in an ambulance….Thank God…but you can bet I won’t be leaving him alone again at practice. Too much stress for me. I’ll just have to stay the over-protective mother.

Back to school

Well, it’s that time again….back to school. The boys and Fonzy’s first day back was yesterday. I wasn’t up early enough to get a picture of Fonzy, but I was able to get a picture of the boys. They really didn’t want to pose as you can see, but I had to take the first day of school picture. Ezekiel is a 5th grader and Elijah is a 2nd grader. I can’t believe Ezekiel will be in middle school next year. Where has the time gone!


Ezekiel and Elijah

This summer just flew by. It's all a blur to me. I got the call about Samuel Memorial weekend, the start of summer, and now summer is almost over. It’s been 3 months and 3 days since he was killed. 3 short months, but it seems like a lifetime. I’m still having trouble sleeping and Samuel is on my mind all day, every day. There are times during the day when I am busy that he gets pushed to the back of my mind, but he is always there. I wish so much to be able to go back in time, to cherish the time I had with him. There were a lot of things we didn't see eye to eye on, school being one, but now it seems so pointless. I know when he was alive it wasn’t pointless, but……I don’t know. I just think about all the time wasted, all the missed opportunities. All the hopes and dreams he had, gone. He never experienced true love, never got the chance to be a Daddy, not that he wanted to be one, but still he may have. His life was so short. It’s just so unfair. I know there are thousands of other mothers going through the same thing I am. Fonzy and I were watching a show the other night on CNN about the gun violence in Chicago and so many young people and kids being killed. They had some of the parents on, and I felt their pain. It’s just all so senseless. So many lives lost. For what???? Nothing! One of the Moms had a newspaper article of her son’s murder. He was the 500th murder in Chicago this year. She saved the article because her son said one day he would be famous and in the paper. I’m sure neither one of them thought it would be for this. Samuel’s murder was also in the paper and on the news in Abilene. He too wanted to be famous.


Samuel and Manuel

I look at pictures of my first born and can’t believe he is no longer here. Sometimes I can’t even bear to look at his pictures. Day by day, I get up and go through my day like I use to before Samuel died, but nothing will ever be the same. I look into the clouds and wish I could see him there. In my dreams, I wait for him to appear. When I’m lying in bed, unable to sleep, I look around in the dark, hoping to see him standing there…anything to know he is ok. I look for signs, plead for signs, but none have come. It’s not like you see in the movies. There will be no pennies floating across a room, no psychic telling me they spoke to Samuel. All I have are my memories, and I know in time even they will fade. I long to go to the cemetery…for what…I’m not really sure. I know it’s just his body, but I want to be there. I can’t explain it. I know one day I will be back in Texas, but it seems so far away. I think I would be ok if I could just go there every now and then. Samuel’s birthday will be coming up in October and I wish I could be there. I know Manuel will be having a tough time, and I’m sure he will be at the cemetery. He goes almost every day. I don’t know if it helps, but I think it might help a bit, just being there. We all just miss Samuel so much and it’s not getting any easier.

Tossing and Turning

Tossing and turning

sleep eludes me

visions of your life and death

consume me

as a baby, you slept on my chest

in a parking lot you met with death

tossing and turning

I question why

why my son had to die.

Samuel

Samuel - around 4-5

I woke up last night around 3:30am because I had to pee. When I looked at the clock, I realized it was around this time, May 23rd that Samuel was shot and killed. I use to like Friday nights, but now, every Friday night/early Saturday morning I think about Samuel and the night he was killed. It took me a while to fall back to sleep. I've been having a hard time sleeping. I wake up 3-4 times a night and just lay in bed, thinking about Samuel. I've thought about taking something to sleep, but can't bring myself to take prescription drugs. I've gotten some over the counter sleep aid, but don't plan on using it too often. It may help me sleep at night, but the pain of losing Samuel will still be there when I wake up. There really isn't anything I could take, to ease the pain. Sometimes I wish there was.....

Bubble Bath

Conversation while taking a bubble bath....

Elijah: Mom, should I save this water for Ezekiel?

Me: No....Ezkiel doesn't want to get in your bath water.

Elijah: We're brothers, he won't mind.

Me: Elijah, we are not saving this water for Ezekiel. He does not want to get in water that your butt was in.

Elijah: laughing....


















Ezekiel (in his own bathwater) - Mom, don't take any pictures of me in the tub.

Me: Just one

Ezekiel: Mom...DO NOT put them on your blog! (they know me so well)

Me: Just one :)



I guess Ezekiel is getting older and soon he won't let me take any pictures, and most definitely will not want them posted on my blog. I better get as many as I can now.

Having a hard time....

....right now....sometimes the pain is too much....


Ezekiel, Samuel, Elijah

Ezekiel's Obsession

Every since Michael Jackson died, Ezekiel has been obsessed with him. I think every MJ show/videos have been DVR'd and Ezekiel has watched them 20 times or more. He walks around the house singing Michael's song. We even made a couple of CD's. Now I'm a MJ fan, but really, there is just so much Michael you can take. You know. According to Fonzy and the boys, I'm not a real fan since I'm Michaeled out.

Whatever...





Ezekiel doing his favorite Michael move.

"Heeeeheeee" - said like MJ

Summer Rain

I think this was the first time the boys ever played outside in the rain. Sad huh? Everyone should play out in the rain every once in a while to wash away the cares of the day. Ezekiel and Elijah thought it was the best thing since sliced bread.

Too Soon

One day soon, he will no longer want to play with Ninja turtles, action figures, trucks, or blocks.

One day soon, all his jumping, bouncing and throwing balls in the house, giggling and driving us nuts will be gone.

I need to remember to cherish these times, before they are gone….too soon.

Good-bye little fishy

Good-bye little fishy, you were such a trooper! Especially since you lived on after Elijah knocked your eye out. You swam a little lopsided aftwards, but you kept it moving. We will miss you.



In your better days, when you had two bugged eyes.

A Lifetime of Pictures

I've been going through all my pictures to find all the ones I have of Samuel. This is the stack of pictures I have of his life. I hold these precious memories in my hand and wish I had more. I wasn't into photography like I am now, so I didn't take as many pictures. One of the last conversations I had with Samuel I mentioned that he and Manuel needed to come to NC this summer so I could get pictures of all of us together. Unfortunately it never happened. All I have are these….his lifetime in my hands.

MOMS - Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters

Samuel’s death has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Words can’t describe how much pain I feel when I look at his pictures and think about his murder. How my son was shot in the back, lying on the ground in a parking lot. It hurts to even type. I have talked to people who know nothing of Samuel’s death, and when the question comes up of how many kids I have, I always say 4 boys. I have not been able to say my oldest is no longer with me. I just talk as if he’s still alive. I never know what to say. I mean, I could say my oldest passed away, but the next question would be how and I would have to go into how he was murdered. And really, what will the person say then? I’m sure it would be very uncomfortable. There are so many emotions I feel, sorrow, anger, emptiness, pain, guilt and so many more. No one can truly understand what I feel unless they have experienced the same thing. A loss of a child is the worst thing a parent has to deal with, and it is a whole other ballgame when your child has been murdered. When I returned home from Samuel’s funeral, I searched online for some sort of support, someone who could understand and possibly help me with all that I was going through and I found MOMS – Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters. How sad that MOMS could stand for that. I read through the stories of other Moms who had lost their children to murder and mourned with them. I felt their pain, because it is a pain I know all too well. I posted my introduction and told a little about Samuel, his murder and received tons of support. All of these women understood my pain. All that I was feeling, they had also felt. Some had been dealing with the death of their child for years, had been through the court process and could offer insight to what I was up against. It helps tremendously to know I am not alone. I joined this group of Moms shortly after Samuel’s death, so it has been a little over 2 months and in that time two or three more MOMS have joined us. It hurts my heart every time I see a post from a new Mom. No one wants to be a part of this group…no one. But I’m glad it’s here. I’m thankful that Debbie Wiley, the founder of MOMS, was able to see past the pain of losing her son Philip and think of us other MOMS. This group has been a blessing to me, and I pray that I can offer a little comfort/support to the other MOMS as we all face life without our children.


My Samuel