Friday, June 19, 2009
Day by Day
at Samuel's grave, the morning after his funeral
Most days I just want to stay in bed and cry....for a few days I did exactly that.
Most days I smile and act normal....but inside I'm crying, screaming, asking why????
Samuel is my first thought when I wake in the morning and my last thought before I sleep at night.
I have this ache that just won't go away....I'm constantly trying to hold it together, but at any moment I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I sometimes notice Ezekiel and Elijah watching me, to see if I'm crying. They ask me if I'm alright. I try to smile and say I'm OK, when really I'm not, but I don't want them worried about me.
People mean well, will call and ask how I'm doing. My usual response is, "I'm OK, just taking it day by day" I don't think they can handle what I'm really feeling.....sometimes I can't handle what I'm feeling.
Some days I wish I could go to his grave...just to be near him, but he is buried in Texas and I'm in NC. I hope to one day move back to Texas, but it doesn't look to be in the cards right now.
I talk to Manuel everyday, and I can feel his pain. It's always been Samuel and Manuel, and now...just Manuel. He tells me his visits Samuel's grave everyday.....I wish I could be there with him.
This all still feels like a nightmare that I just want to wake up from. I keep waiting for Samuel to call me, but I will never hear him say Mom or I love you again. I have his music, so I can hear his voice any time I want, but sometimes even that is too hard.
There is so much I wish I had told him, so many hugs I wish I had given, so many pictures I wish I had taken, so many moments I let slip away.....
Day by day, that's all I can do, and sometimes even that is too much.