Boo!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMUEL!

I can’t believe you are 18! I have an 18yr old son. I look in the mirror and I don’t see a woman with an 18yr old, but I am. It seems just like yesterday you were a baby. I can remember when I first felt you moving around in my stomach. I was amazed. I wasn’t ready for a baby, I was still in high school and I even thought about giving you up for adoption, but once I felt you move, I knew I could never do that. You were mine and I was going to keep you. You were such a beautiful baby. For the first few months of your life, you slept on my chest. You were so little and I didn’t want to put you in the crib. You would lie on my chest and I would just watch you sleep. Now you are taller than me, your voice is deep and at times I feel like I don’t know you. I made the decision when you were about 11, and Manuel about 10 to let you boys live with your Dad. I thought being boys you needed your dad. How I wish I could take that back. I lost so many years and so much precious time with you and Manuel. Manuel of course moved back with me, but you decided to stay with your dad, because of your music and the contacts you made in Abilene. Samuel, I realize music is your life and your dream is to one day make it big. I would never knock your dreams, but I just wish you had finished school. I made the same mistake, and dropped out of high school and I wanted to spare you that. It’s tough going back to school when you are older. It was hard for me going to college when you two were little and I didn’t even finish then. You were always a great student and I feel I let you down for not being there when you made that choice. It’s still not too late to get back in school. You may make it big with your beats and rapping, but there are millions of other kids out there tying to be the next star too. It’s very competitive and you will need something else to fall back on if that dream takes a while to come true. I pray every night for you. There are nights I lie awake, wondering what you are doing, and if you are OK. It’s so hard being so far from you. I know I haven’t been the best mom, but Samuel I love you with all my heart and miss you so much. You were my first born, my first baby, and now a grown man…..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANUEL!

You are 17 today. Not yet a man, and no longer a kid. You are at that stage where you want to branch out, be more independent, but it can be so hard. As a mom, I want to protect you from all the bad in this world. There are so many mistakes I made when you and your brother were little. I was still a kid myself and didn’t realize how much I was missing when you were little. I wanted you to grow up so fast and now that it is happening, I wish I could turn back the hands of time, do things differently. I wouldn’t rush you to grow up and I would cherish the times when you were little. You were such a chubby, happy baby. You loved to play in dirt, wanted to be a soldier and loved guns...unfortunately you still love guns. I'm hoping you will just be a hunter like your Uncle Jay. You and Samuel were always together and always getting into trouble. But I guess that's what boys do. You have always called Samuel “butta” I guess because we always referred to him as your brother...."go play with your brother", "go get your brother", etc and since you couldn’t pronounce it, you called him “butta” and have called him that every since. I think I have heard you call Samuel by his name only once, and now Ezekiel and Elijah also call him “butta” I remember when you two first started preschool, the teachers separated you to go to your classrooms. You cried and cried and kept calling for “butta”. Your teachers couldn't figure out what the heck you wanted. They thought you were asking for butter, or maybe a bottle. They tried everything, but could not figure out what you wanted. So, they decided to go and get Samuel to see if he knew what you wanted. When Samuel got to the room, you ran to him and hugged him and kept saying “butta”. Samuel told them that you wanted him. He was “butta” When I picked you both up from school the teachers told me that story. I thought it was so cute. I never thought you would still be calling him “butta” at 17.

Manuel, I know it hasn’t been easy for you. School has always been a struggle, and sometimes you feel you're a failure, but you’re not. You’re just going to have to work harder than most. You’ve made mistakes along the way, but we all have, and I pray you learn from them. But no matter what mistakes you’ve made, I love you and always will. You will be embarking on a new journey soon. I know you are nervous, but I truly believe it’s for the best. You are a sweet kid, (I guess I shouldn’t say kid, you’re a young man now) and everybody loves you. You’re playful and easy to get along. Just keep your head straight, do your best, stay out of trouble and all the things you want in life will be yours.



I love you and pray for you always.


Mom