Samuel

The other night sitting at Frankie’s Fun Park waiting for Fonzy, the boys and Sydney playing laser tag, my mind wanders to Samuel. Years ago he worked here, walking these very floors among the flashing lights and sounds of the video games. As I sit, I see the ghost of my lanky Samuel, khaki clad with a blue shirt on, smiling. Eerie music of an attraction plays behind me, tears fill my eyes, it all feels surreal. He was once here and in this moment I feel his presence.

Foggy

Foggy.

It's funny how a foggy morning gets your mind turning.

Sometimes when calling out to one of my boys, I catch myself saying Samuel.

Sometimes in a moment, I forget he is no longer here.

Sitting at a red light, I realize this year will mark 5 years since he has been gone. Really? 5 years? No....can't be. I had to recount, using my fingers.

He was killed May 23, 2009.

2010...2011...2012...2013....2014...yes this year will be 5 years.

I see his face, remember his smile....but sometimes my brain is foggy and I can't remember how he sounded when he laughed. His voice gets a little foggy, but then I remember I have a cd...with his voice on it. I try to play it, but then remember how much it hurts to hear his voice. And sometimes, I welcome the fog, the forgetting for a moment. Because in that moment, that split second, he's still here.

But only for a moment.

MOMS(mothers of murdered sons/daughters) - Samuel

In a little bit of down time today at work, I found myself on the MOMS (Mothers of Murder Sons/Daughter) board. A couple of months after Samuel was killed, I was searching online for something, someone, anything that could help me deal with his death and I found MOMS. The ladies I "met" there helped me so much. Only another mom who has had their child murdered can understand the heartache we feel every day.

I'm not sure why I went to the MOMS board today, but my heart breaks each time I've gone back and see new members added to the group. This group none of us want to be part of. It's so sad and I feel the pain, the rawness of new members searching for someone who understands this new life.

This year will be 3 since Samuel was killed. 3 years. I have good days and bad days. I try to keep the bad days to myself. Cry when I'm alone, hide the hurt, put a smile on my face and keep going. Most people think I'm doing "so well". That I've moved on with life, that it doesn't hurt as bad. They are wrong. I can't even look at my own son's pictures. It hurts so bad. I have pictures I need to scan, photo books I want to create, but just can't do it! I have CD's of his music, but can't listen to them. Hearing his voice.....I just can't take it. He's buried in TX, I am in NC. Whenever I visit TX I go to the grave site, but hate it. It's a slap of reality that sometimes I avoid. He's not really dead. He's just away.....but once you go to the cemetery there's no denying. He is gone.

I want to reach out to some of my other MOMS, new and old. I've missed them. I keep in touch with some of them on Facebook, but they are really on my heart and mind right now. There must be a reason I wandered onto the site today, not having been there in months. Maybe someone needs a shoulder, an ear. Someone to share the pain. Maybe I can be that someone, or maybe I'm the one who needs someone.

Monday *Maunder - little bit of this and that

Monday already!? Where does the weekend go! I swear Friday - Sunday is nothing but a blur. I'm ready for our Christmas break, which starts next week Dec 22. Let the countdown begin!

We were planning on going to Texas this Christmas, but unfortunately our trip has been put on the back burner. I really wanted to go because it's been over a year since I saw Manuel and my Grandbabies. I have 2 now! I haven't even seen little Jonah yet! It's hard when you have older kids and have to let them go to live their own lives. Your mind knows he's 21 and has babies of his own, but your heart still sees the little boy you raised.

Been thinking alot about Samuel too. I wanted to do an updated photo book with new pictures family members have given me, but I haven't been able to scan the pictures. You would think by now I could look at his pictures, remember the happy times and the life he had. But I can't! 19yrs is too short! He shouldn't be dead! The pictures break my heart whenever I look at them, so I put them away and say to myself that one day I will be able to do this....just not sure when that one day will be.

Wow.....I thought this was going to be a happy post, but I guess I had some things on my heart and mind that needed to get out. Let's see if we can turn this around.

Knitting - that always cheers me up! I really need to stay off Ravelry! Really! I have SO many projects I want to knit right now! I don't even know where to begin. The list keeps growing and growing. I think I'm going to post a list of what I want to knit/learn in this new year, and not just everything I see because, "ohhhh....that's pretty, I shall knit it" knowing I probably will never knit it. If I make a list, maybe that will keep me on track and I won't get distracted with the pretties. Yeah..we shall see how that goes.

One of the projects on my list to knit is a baby doll for my granddaughter Carmen. Right now I'm on the naughty Grandma list. I knit her a R. Danger monster and I have yet to send it to her. It's sitting nice and pretty in our study! Bad Grandma! I'm embarassed to even write that! Ugh! I'm finding a box and sending it to her this week!

Anyways...back to the doll. Anyone have a doll pattern they have tried and like. I have queued a couple patterns from Ravelry, but just want to see if anything else is out there. I would like a good sized doll, something big and huggable. Any suggestions?

OK...I'm done with my Monday Maunder. Do you know what maunder means. I didn't until today, but I needed an M word to go with Monday and meant ramblings and found maunder! Perfect!

*Maunder - means to talk incoherently or to speak in a rambling manner

The pain never stops - Samuel

On Samuel's birthday I asked my friends and family to share any photos or memories they have of Samuel. My step-mom text some pictures to me. Pictures I had never seen of Samuel. I asked her to send me the actual pictures so I could scan them. I got the pictures in the mail yesterday.

When I opened the mailbox and saw the box, my heart started racing. I wanted so much to see the pictures, but knew it would be hard. Even though Samuel has been gone for 2yrs I still have a hard time looking at his pictures. It hurts so much! I'm sure other Mom's who have lost a child can understand. You look back at the pictures, remembering the baby, the little boy and wonder why....WHY! Why is he no longer here? Why did some punk grab a gun, point it at my sons back, while he was laying on the ground unconscious and SHOOT him! OVER A DARE!!!!!!!!!

WHY! WHY! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!



I look at the precious, beautiful little boy he was, and the young man he was becoming and my heart breaks. Just when you think you can breathe again, when you think the pain isn't so crushing, it all comes back with a glimpse of a picture.

I couldn't look at them long.......the hurt, the anger, the tears were just too much. Even writing this post is too much right now......

In the clouds

On cloudy days, I search for you.
I look into the heavens knowing you are there, but unable to see you.
With the sun shining through the clouds, I can picture you there.
I want so badly to see you again. To see your smile, to hear your laugh, to hug you just one last time.

I think of you everyday. Holding on to precious memories. Trying to forgot the way you died. The way you looked in the casket - forever 19.

So I gaze into the clouds - imagine you there - smiling down on me.