Monday *Maunder - little bit of this and that

Monday already!? Where does the weekend go! I swear Friday - Sunday is nothing but a blur. I'm ready for our Christmas break, which starts next week Dec 22. Let the countdown begin!

We were planning on going to Texas this Christmas, but unfortunately our trip has been put on the back burner. I really wanted to go because it's been over a year since I saw Manuel and my Grandbabies. I have 2 now! I haven't even seen little Jonah yet! It's hard when you have older kids and have to let them go to live their own lives. Your mind knows he's 21 and has babies of his own, but your heart still sees the little boy you raised.

Been thinking alot about Samuel too. I wanted to do an updated photo book with new pictures family members have given me, but I haven't been able to scan the pictures. You would think by now I could look at his pictures, remember the happy times and the life he had. But I can't! 19yrs is too short! He shouldn't be dead! The pictures break my heart whenever I look at them, so I put them away and say to myself that one day I will be able to do this....just not sure when that one day will be.

Wow.....I thought this was going to be a happy post, but I guess I had some things on my heart and mind that needed to get out. Let's see if we can turn this around.

Knitting - that always cheers me up! I really need to stay off Ravelry! Really! I have SO many projects I want to knit right now! I don't even know where to begin. The list keeps growing and growing. I think I'm going to post a list of what I want to knit/learn in this new year, and not just everything I see because, "ohhhh....that's pretty, I shall knit it" knowing I probably will never knit it. If I make a list, maybe that will keep me on track and I won't get distracted with the pretties. Yeah..we shall see how that goes.

One of the projects on my list to knit is a baby doll for my granddaughter Carmen. Right now I'm on the naughty Grandma list. I knit her a R. Danger monster and I have yet to send it to her. It's sitting nice and pretty in our study! Bad Grandma! I'm embarassed to even write that! Ugh! I'm finding a box and sending it to her this week!

Anyways...back to the doll. Anyone have a doll pattern they have tried and like. I have queued a couple patterns from Ravelry, but just want to see if anything else is out there. I would like a good sized doll, something big and huggable. Any suggestions?

OK...I'm done with my Monday Maunder. Do you know what maunder means. I didn't until today, but I needed an M word to go with Monday and meant ramblings and found maunder! Perfect!

*Maunder - means to talk incoherently or to speak in a rambling manner

Monsters in my closet

As a kid, do you remember having monsters in your closet? Under the bed? I remember running and jumping in my bed because I was afraid the monster under my bed would grab my feet and pull me under where monsters live. As kids, we all had monsters. The scary, creepy, I'm gonna eat you kind of monsters. But you grow up and the monsters go away, right? Right?

Uh yeah.....the monsters of my childhood are gone, but I've come to realize I have new monsters to deal with, and sometimes these grown up monsters are worse than my childhood ones. It's the monsters of insecurity, jealousy,  the monster of not feeling like you're enough. I've struggled with these monsters most of my teen years and some of my adult life. I thought I was finally past all that, but sometimes the monsters sneak out from under my bed and take hold of me again. I feel I'm not a good wife, mother, or friend, and why would anyone love me. I'm horrible! Ugly! Lacking! The green-eyed monster comes back in full force and I turn into a person I don't like, a person I hate! These monsters are so hard to get rid of! When I think I have them beat, here they are again.

I'm fighting these monsters now. Fighting with all that I have in me, to make them disappear once and for all. I am going to beat these monsters!

I AM!

HTML/Getting Old

I have been trying my hardest to learn this HTML stuff to spruce up my blog and it is driving me crazy! I think I have every book from the library on HTML format and it's like reading Chinese or something. I think I need to take a class or maybe get a new brain....or maybe I'm just too old to learn new things.

sigh...40 is right around the corner. 40! I can't believe I am going to be 40 in about 3 years!!!! Where has all the time gone? Seems just like yesterday, I was in my 20's and thought I would never be old. I'm almost middled aged. Is 40 considered middle aged? OK...no more talk of age...I'm feelin' like an old hag....an almost 40 old hag.