MOMS(mothers of murdered sons/daughters) - Samuel

In a little bit of down time today at work, I found myself on the MOMS (Mothers of Murder Sons/Daughter) board. A couple of months after Samuel was killed, I was searching online for something, someone, anything that could help me deal with his death and I found MOMS. The ladies I "met" there helped me so much. Only another mom who has had their child murdered can understand the heartache we feel every day.

I'm not sure why I went to the MOMS board today, but my heart breaks each time I've gone back and see new members added to the group. This group none of us want to be part of. It's so sad and I feel the pain, the rawness of new members searching for someone who understands this new life.

This year will be 3 since Samuel was killed. 3 years. I have good days and bad days. I try to keep the bad days to myself. Cry when I'm alone, hide the hurt, put a smile on my face and keep going. Most people think I'm doing "so well". That I've moved on with life, that it doesn't hurt as bad. They are wrong. I can't even look at my own son's pictures. It hurts so bad. I have pictures I need to scan, photo books I want to create, but just can't do it! I have CD's of his music, but can't listen to them. Hearing his voice.....I just can't take it. He's buried in TX, I am in NC. Whenever I visit TX I go to the grave site, but hate it. It's a slap of reality that sometimes I avoid. He's not really dead. He's just away.....but once you go to the cemetery there's no denying. He is gone.

I want to reach out to some of my other MOMS, new and old. I've missed them. I keep in touch with some of them on Facebook, but they are really on my heart and mind right now. There must be a reason I wandered onto the site today, not having been there in months. Maybe someone needs a shoulder, an ear. Someone to share the pain. Maybe I can be that someone, or maybe I'm the one who needs someone.

Friends/MOMS

Looking at the moon last night, I was thinking of a new friend I've made. She is a mom in the UK who found my blog while searching for other moms who had lost their son/child to murder. Her son was killed a few weeks after my Samuel. We've been sharing long e-mails about our lives, and how we are dealing with the loss of our sons. I've only seen one picture of her and a few of her son, but I feel such a connection with her...I can't explain it. I've been stalking my e-mail for her notes and get excited when I see her name.

Looking up at the moon, I think of our sons and like the other MOMS(Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters) I like to think of them in Heaven, all our kids together, watching over us.

So M...you know who you are, I'm glad you found me. I'm sorry it had to be under these circumstances, but we are on this journey together and I for one am glad we found each other.

And to my other MOMS - this journey would not be possible if you weren't here with me. I love you all, think of you all everday and pray for you all.

Sunrise

Yesterday on my way to drop the boys off at school, Ezekiel noticed the sunrise.

"Mom, you should take a picture"

I dropped the boys off and took Ezekiel's advice. I pulled to the side of the road and captured the flaming sky light up with a new day. A day filled with hope, promise, and pain. I sat thinking of a close girlfriend of mine who's sister died suddenly the other day, of Shirley, a fellow MOMS who had to count another year without her Jimmy and I thought of Samuel gone almost 7 months, but seeming like forever. So much pain...

But even with the pain, the sun rises to announce a new day. Hopefully a day filled with love, laugher, a little less pain and hope. Hope that one day there will be no more pain and we can be reunited with our children and loved ones we've lost.

MOMS coming together

Driving down a curvy, country road, I thought about the women I were going to meet. We had only chatted online, or talked on the phone, but we all shared a bond we wished we hadn't. Our children had been murdered. I found MOMS a few weeks after Samuel's death. I felt the need to connect with someone who could understand my pain. There is no pain like a lose of child, but even more so when you child has been murdered. When I stumbled on the MOMS message board I found the connection I needed. These Moms understood, and now I was on my way to meet two of them in person. I was excited, but also a little nervous. I just didn't know what to expect.

We were having lunch in a quaint little town at The General Store Cafe. I was the first to arrive, and couldn't resist taking pictures.









I was only able to take a few pictures by the time Darien, Shirley, and Shirley's sister (sorry Shirley, I forgot your sister's name) arrived. The first thing we did was give real hugs! Whenever we post on the message board, we always give "hugs" to someone in need, it was great to give actual hugs. Another lady joined us, but I'm not sure if she would want me to mention her name. Her sister and nieces, age 17 and 11 were killed. So she wasn't exactly a MOMS, but we don't discriminate. She has suffered a loss like the rest of us.

Lunch was very good. We got to talk about our kids/family, share pics and talk of how we are coping or not coping and at times even shed a few tears. I would love if all us MOMS could come together for a weekend retreat or something. It helps being with others who can truly understand your pain and thoughts. There have been so many times I was going through something and got on the MOMS board to see a post that could have been my own. The feelings, the thoughts, the sorrow....it's something we all share, even though we wish we didn't.


Shirley made this mug for me...

Shirley - Jimmy's mom, Me and Darien - Keara's mom

MOMS - Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters

Samuel’s death has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Words can’t describe how much pain I feel when I look at his pictures and think about his murder. How my son was shot in the back, lying on the ground in a parking lot. It hurts to even type. I have talked to people who know nothing of Samuel’s death, and when the question comes up of how many kids I have, I always say 4 boys. I have not been able to say my oldest is no longer with me. I just talk as if he’s still alive. I never know what to say. I mean, I could say my oldest passed away, but the next question would be how and I would have to go into how he was murdered. And really, what will the person say then? I’m sure it would be very uncomfortable. There are so many emotions I feel, sorrow, anger, emptiness, pain, guilt and so many more. No one can truly understand what I feel unless they have experienced the same thing. A loss of a child is the worst thing a parent has to deal with, and it is a whole other ballgame when your child has been murdered. When I returned home from Samuel’s funeral, I searched online for some sort of support, someone who could understand and possibly help me with all that I was going through and I found MOMS – Mothers of Murdered Sons/Daughters. How sad that MOMS could stand for that. I read through the stories of other Moms who had lost their children to murder and mourned with them. I felt their pain, because it is a pain I know all too well. I posted my introduction and told a little about Samuel, his murder and received tons of support. All of these women understood my pain. All that I was feeling, they had also felt. Some had been dealing with the death of their child for years, had been through the court process and could offer insight to what I was up against. It helps tremendously to know I am not alone. I joined this group of Moms shortly after Samuel’s death, so it has been a little over 2 months and in that time two or three more MOMS have joined us. It hurts my heart every time I see a post from a new Mom. No one wants to be a part of this group…no one. But I’m glad it’s here. I’m thankful that Debbie Wiley, the founder of MOMS, was able to see past the pain of losing her son Philip and think of us other MOMS. This group has been a blessing to me, and I pray that I can offer a little comfort/support to the other MOMS as we all face life without our children.


My Samuel