Changes

Life is about change

sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful

but most of the time it's BOTH.

Change is a constant in life. There's no way around it. You keep living, life keeps changing. 

I don't think I'm one to shy away from change. I'm happy in my life right now, but a change may be coming and I'm not sure I'm ready to embrace it. Couldn't sleep last night and been weighting pros/cons all day and guess what? I'm still confused! 

The change has it's good and bad. I'm trying to keep an open mind and not be selfish. To let go of past experiences and embrace a new adventure. But dang it! Change is hard! And uncertain! And stressful! And...and....and....

Ugh!

I just needed to vent a little. A place to put down thoughts as a change is coming....I feel it.  

Wicked - Sister Night Out

Friday night was Sister Night out! And it was a Wicked night! :)

I have been wanting to see Wicked for a few years now, and finally got to see it. I was not disappointed! I loved it! I watch the Wizard of Oz whenever it comes on TV, been watching it since childhood, but I will look at it differently now since seeing Wicked.

If you ever get the chance to see it, I highly reccomend it!


Before the musical, my sister Karen and I went out to dinner. The Tobacco District in downtown Durham is pretty awesome! So many restuarants, and things to do.

We had dinner at the Cuban Revolution.


I've never had a Cuban sandwich, so that's what I got. It was good, but I expected a little more....I don't know...something more Cuban, I guess. I got black beans and rice, and they were good. I would go again, the atmosphere was great, but would try something different.









All, in all it was a great night! The musical was AWESOME, the food was good, and the company was great. There's nothing better than hanging out with your little sister!

Hiatus, Grandbabies, Life

As you probably noticed, I took an unexpected hiatus from this space. My son, his girlfriend and my grandbabies where here visiting. I planned on taking tons of pictures, and sharing the visit, but that didn't happen.

Life happened.

There was laughter, hugs, kisses, but also arguments, long talks and tears.

They were here for 2 weeks and this morning about 4am I dropped them off at the airport with hugs, kisses, I love yous and plenty of prayers in my heart. Prayers for healing, prayers for patience, prayers for understanding, prayers for love. Prayers for life.....

Friends - How Many of Us Have Them

Today's February Challenge was Friendship. I really wanted to take a picture with a friend, but didn't have one readily available. This challenge had me thinking of all the friends I've had, past and present.

I lost contact with my best friend from childhood after I moved away from my hometown, but found her again on Facebook. I have so many fond memories of sleepovers on her family's dairy farm. I spent many weekends at her house and love her dearly. And even though we lost contact for many years,  I feel she will be one of my forever friends.

As an adult, I have had several close friends, but only a few have stood the test of time and distance. Life gets so busy and before you know it, it's been weeks, even months, since you have spoken to a friend. That's sad. I truly believe we all need at least one true friend.

I have one friend that I spoke to every day, until recently and it breaks my heart. We would text pictures of our day to each other, all day long. What we were eating, what we were doing, our kids. Just life. And even though we were 1,394 miles apart, it didn't feel like it. She was such a big part of my life. We have been friends for over 14 years. Right now she is in a crisis and has decided to cut me out of her life because I do not agree with destructive decisions she is making right now. She has decided to keep someone in her life that is toxic and I fear for her life and her kids, but no matter what I say, she has made that decision. It hurts and I miss her, but there is nothing I can do, except pray for her and hope she will come to her senses before something bad happens. Not having this friend in my life left a void, but I have a new friend who is filling that void.

I met my new friend years ago online. We lost contact, then a few months ago, I saw her online and started chatting with her. Since that day, we have been talking, and texting every day all day. She shared with me that she was going through a tough time and prayed to God for a friend to talk to, and I IM'd her out of the blue. Isn't God amazing? I hadn't spoken to her in a few years, never met her in real life, but that day I reached out to her, and we haven't stopped talking since! We have so many things in common and I look forward to our talks everyday. I pray one day we will be together so I can give her a great big hug and we can talk face to face! She will definitely be a forever friend!

Sunset

May I never miss a sunset or rainbow because I am looking down.

~Sara June Parker

I'm going through something. Not really sure what. Having a hard time sleeping.

I've been trying to make a conscience effort to cherish life. It's so short.
When I'm frustrated with the boys, I try to remind myself they will not always be little and soon will be out in this world on their own. I think about Manuel, already out in the world and I worry. I guess after you lose a child to murder, you never truly get over the fear. I pray for him every night.

While laying in bed with Fonzy, I pray to God that I die before him. No matter how bad he gets on my nerves at times, I don't want to be in this world without him. Been thinking about death/dying. I want to see Samuel, my Mom and I look forward to that, but praying it doesn't happen too soon.

See....told you I was going through something. Not really sure what. Just trying to live my life as best I can, enjoying the little every day moments....you know, like a sunset.

Beckoning....

I’m not the person I used to be. I don’t like the person I’ve become. I feel as if I’m losing my mind. I’m tired. I’m scared, I’m hurting, I’m confused, I can’t sleep, haven’t been eating, always worried that I'm going to lose the people I love most. I’m just going through the motions, barely making it day by day. I feel as if I’m drowning…fighting for air, struggling to stay alive. But sometimes….sometimes…..I just want to stop fighting,...to float. The water is calling, it’s beckoning to me, whispering my name, telling me to let it all go, jump in…forget your pain, forget your worries….forget life.
It’s better here....

Mom, Wife, Sister, Aunt, Friend and......

I’m many things, a mom, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and soon, I will add another name….Grandma. Manuel, my now oldest son, is having a baby. When the baby is born he will be 19, the same age I was when I had him. I can’t say that I was shocked when I got the news. I met his girlfriend Andrea, when I was in TX for Samuel’s funeral. She basically lives with Manuel and his Dad, so I knew it was only a matter of time. Manuel is not ready for a baby. He doesn’t even have his life together, but I’m hoping this baby will motivate him to get it together. He needs to finish school, and hopefully aspire to more than a job at a fast food place. As I sit and type this, I realize that’s exactly where I was….18, pregnant with Samuel and working at McDonalds. I think we all turned out OK, and I pray it will for Manuel and Andrea. It’s not going to be an easy road. Manuel is already seeing that. Andrea has been having a rough time with morning sickness, and this is just the beginning. He’s nervous about being a Dad, and who wouldn’t be at 18. I look at pictures of him, and can’t believe he’s going to be a Dad. He’s just a kid himself. But so was I when I had Samuel.

Manuel and Andrea want a boy, and said they want to name him Samuel. I knew that would be his name. I’m secretly hoping for a girl. I had all boys and would love to have a Granddaughter to spoil. People may think I'm crazy, but I’m excited. I feel I’m too young (I will be 39 when the baby is born) to be a Grandma, and I surely don’t feel like a Grandma, but I’m going to wear the title proudly, because this baby is a blessing, especially after losing Samuel.


first pic of Grandbaby - sent via cellphone

A Mother's Pain - MJ Memorial

Michael Jackson casket

As I sit and watch the Michael Jackson memorial, my thoughts go to Catherine Jackson. No matter what Michael means to the world, he was just one of her babies. She carried him for 9 months, changed his diapers, took care of him when he was sick, and saw the boy become a man. She was proud of all his accomplishments, and I'm sure felt his pain in the trying times. But through it all, he was simply her son.....not the King of Pop....but Michael. I wonder how much of this memorial she is taking in…..are her eyes focused on the casket that holds her son. A son she will never hold again.

I remember bits and pieces of Samuel’s funeral, but what is burned in my memory is Samuel, lying in a casket. A place he should not be….not before me.

I feel Catherine’s pain right now, because it’s a pain I also share. The pain of losing a son…way too soon.