Monday, September 26, 2011

Small Things

small

Finally feeling better today! I'm not coughing up a lung, body is not aching, throat not sore and I can breathe...sorta! That's a big improvement.

Today, since I'm feeling so much better I decided to share a few things I'm thankful for. I complained when I was sick, so it's only right to share some good....no matter how small.

I'm thankful....

~for Fonzy and all my boys

~for having time this morning to make our bed. That doesn't happen often

~for my morning cup of coffee

~ I didn't have to iron clothes this morning

~for my job

~for the vehicle that gets me from point A to B

~for candy apple flavored lip gloss

~for knitting

~for my camera

~for noticing the little creatures in our world

~for Fall finally being here

Friday, September 23, 2011

This Moment

boys

I'm home sick again. This cold/flu - whatever it is, is kicking my butt! No fun being sick!

While sitting here I've gone through a few of my old pictures and this one jumped out at me. It was taken February 2009. Wow...over 2yrs ago. I have so many pictures sitting here on my hard drive. I really need to do something with them. I love making photobooks, but I never seem to get around to it. I really need to do that, because if something happens to me, what would become of all the memories I've captured? Would they stay forever locked away on the hard drive? What a waste!

Life travels at warped speed. This picture is proof! Two years have passed since this moment. This moment of carefree childhood days. A moment that would be lost forever if I don't do something about it. The time is now!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sick

warmth

Ugh! I'm sick!

Got a miserable cold! Really wish I was home with pj's, and warm fuzzy socks, under a blanket instead of at the office FREEZING!

I hate being sick, but it really makes you appreciate your health. We really take things like health for granted. I know it's just a cold, and so many other people have real illnesses, but when you are feeling under the weather, it sucks!

3:00pm - I can make it until then. I think I can! I think I can! *cough, cough*

UGH!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Desperados

collage

Desperados - Fonzy's flag football team.

This is the second year Fonzy and his team have played. Comments were made from another teams member they played last year that this is a new team. A lot tougher than last year. I agree! I think it's going to be a great season!

Go Desperados!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

His Hands and Feet

Hands Feet Fonzy

Fonzy and I got into a disagreement this morning. Nothing big, just one of our you don't understand me kinda things. You know, you tell your husband something, just making a simple comment and it turns into something else all together. Too much for 6-something in the morning! Anyway, he and Ezekiel left for school/work and Elijah and I did the same.

Going over some of my pictures, I noticed these I took of Fonzy's hands and feet. I don't know why I take these pictures. I just happen to notice his hands and feel an urge to capture them. Same with his feet. Strange, I know. But I think about my Mom and wish I had more pictures, even of her hands. I remember her having stubby fingers with short nails. I remember Samuel's hands with long skinny fingers. They always reminded me of ET's fingers.

After a while, you forget the little details of a person, their hands, their feet, a beauty mark. Their laughter, the sound of their voice. I try and I try to remember my mom's laugh, but I can't. What I wouldn't give to hear it again. I'm lucky that I have Samuel's voice with his music. It's hard to listen to now, but I'm sure with time I will be able to and not cry.

 These photos of Fonzy's hands and feet - I'm glad I have them. These hands have held me at my saddest time, have chased away nightmares. His feet have traveled hundreds of miles to the life we have now. And even though he get's on my nerves every now and then, I wouldn't trade him, his feet or his hands! Not for all the tea in China!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Together Again

manuelandrea
Being a parent is hard. Being a young parent is even harder. Manuel and Andrea had a rough year. A year apart with crying, fighting. Long phone calls with both of them, advice giving and lots of praying.

carmenmanuelandrea After all of that, they found their way back together again, just in time for Little Jonah to make his appearance.

jonah
It's not going to be easy. No relationship is. But I continue to pray they will beat the odds, become stronger and love each other more than ever before. Not just for them, but for Carmen and Jonah also.

Picnik collage

manuelcarmen4

Picnik collage
And they are definitely going to need to stay strong with Carmen. I can just see her giving them a run for their money! This is the story I see in these pictures.

"Daddy, I'm driving! Look at me, I'm so cute!"

Then Manuel did or said something and she went off!

"Hey! Can't you see I'm driving and being cute! Leave me alone!"

Yep - they are going to need lots of strength and prayer!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Fall Ball - not Football

Picnik collage
Elijah decided he didn't want to play football this year. Broke Fonzy's heart. And with Ezekiel out for the season with a broken wrist, the only one playing football this year is Fonzy. It seems really strange this time of year not going to the boys football games.
ElijahFallball2011
Instead of football, Elijah is playing Fall Ball baseball. I would much rather go to a football game, but it is, what it is. I'm secretly hoping he will play football next year.
Picnik collage

ElijahFallball2011
Fonzy has played baseball/softball all his life, so giving instruction. Always the coach! Elijah looks tall right there! They are growing up right before our very eyes!
Fallball2011
I'm ashamed to say I don't know who won. I think we did, but I was so busy taking pictures, I really didn't pay attention to the score! Bad mommy!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Storm clouds

after the storm

Today was a dreary day

Kinda fit my mood

Sadness has seeped in

I try to fight it, try to hide it

Smile, laugh, put on my mask

I wonder why it's here again...the sadness

And then I realize why

It's almost October

Samuel's birthday

Should be a happy time....but it's not

It's another reminder that he is no longer here

I will never see him again

Clouds roll in

I go outside with my camera

Hoping for a glance, a sign, anything

Are you there

Are you ok

Do you see me

Do you feel how much I miss you

Love you

Wish I could hold you just one more time

One more time

The clouds will roll away

The sun will shine again

My sadness will subside

Life will go on

But I will NEVER, EVER stop missing you

I will NEVER, EVER stop loving you

NEVER, EVER

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I had a nervous breakdown today

zion

Ezekiel is 12, in 7th grade and has never taken a bus to school. I or Fonzy have always taken the boys to school. And since Fonzy is a teacher at the middle school he attends, he rides with him. Riding with his Dad, means he has to sit at the school until Dad's work is done. School lets out at 2:15, and because of meetings or basketball practice they would get home around 5pm or on basketball practice nights, about 7pm. So this year, Ezekiel asked if he could ride the bus home. I was hesitant.....VERY hesitant. I felt the bus stop was too far from the house. It was around the corner and up the street. Too far for him to walk alone, but of course him and Fonzy talked me into it. So last week Friday was his first day riding the bus and being a latchkey kid.

The rules for riding the bus were sit in the first seat on the bus, near the driver. I've seen too many bus fights on TV. Walk straight home! No detours! When you get home, first thing, turn off the alarm. Next, lock the door back, then set the alarm again. DO NOT answer the door, nobody over and CALL ME as soon as the alarm is set!

So first couple days, all went as planned. He found another boy who lives in our cul de sac, so they were able to walk home together. He got in the house alright, set the alarm, and would call me about 5 mins to 3pm.....until today!

 I'm at work expecting his call and about 3:05pm he still hadn't called. I called home, called Fonzy at work, no answer. I alternated back and forth from each number for about 5 mins, until finally Fonzy answered. I'm already stressed out! He said the buses left a little late, so give him some time to get home. Fine...I leave work, and on my way to pick up Elijah I keep dialing home to NO ANSWER!

I get Elijah and continue dialing home and Fonzy, home, and Fonzy, home and Fonzy to no answer. It's about 20 mins now from the time Ezekiel should have called. I'm shaking, crying, and feeling nauseous! Finally Fonzy answers his phone. He hasn't heard from Ezekiel, but on his way home. So now, it's been about 30 mins since the time he should have been home. I'm feeling like I need to throw up, but not wanting to slow down from the 90+ mile an hour I'm driving to get home. Fonzy tells me to calm down, he probably left his key home and was at the neighbors house. But I was still thinking, why hasn't he called!!!!!!

I'm crying, yelling at him and probably scaring Elijah, who is in the backseat. Fonzy is trying to calm me down so I don't crash, but I was pretty hysterical at this point. All I could think was Ezekiel beat up, kidnapped, dead. Yes....I was thinking the worst. But even though I was thinking the worst, I was also praying to God to please, please, PLEASE....do not let anything be wrong.

Fonzy is still trying to calm me down and telling me to stop always thinking the worst, and why do I always do that anyway. And I yelled, "Because the worst has happened!" The worst being one of my boys gone. DEAD. SHOT. BURIED. For no reason!!!!!!

I know I shouldn't think the worst all the time, and I try really hard not to, but I can't help it. It's a constant struggle. When they are late, and I can't reach them, I panic! Fonzy made it home, and Ezekiel was indeed at the neighbors house, because he forgot his key. I pulled into the cul de sac as they were walking out of the neighbors house. Ezekiel was afraid to come in the house, because he thought I was going to go off. I went straight upstairs to the bathroom, I felt so sick.

I composed myself before I came downstairs and decided that's it. No more bus! My nerves can't take it. Fonzy feels I am exaggerating when I say he can ride the bus when he's in high school....maybe.

I don't know. I just know that I can't take losing another one of my sons. I CAN'T! Maybe I'm being too protective, maybe I need to let go a little, but right now, at this very moment I can't.

Oh...and Ezekiel had called, but I was dialing home and Fonzy so frantically, that I missed the call. I noticed it when I got home and had calmed down.