Thursday, June 25, 2009

Grief

Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time.
Please don't take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don't be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.
Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give.
Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them.
Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clich├ęs. I can't handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.
Please don't try to find the "right" words to say to me. There's nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words.
Please don't push me to do things I'm not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.
Please don't stop calling me. You might think you're respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment.
Please don't expect me to be the same as I was before. I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm a different person. Please accept me for who I am today.
Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours.
In return for your loving support I promise that, after I've worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate...because I have learned from the best.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Life Continues

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Life doesn't stop after a death of a loved one. The sun still rises and sets....life goes on. I miss Samuel every day, think about him everyday, but I must remember that I have 3 other boys, and a husband who needs me. They understand when I'm having a rough day, and are always here to comfort me.

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Sometimes I just need to get out and take my mind of all the sadness I feel.

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It helps taking pictures. Trying to get great shots, playing photographer.

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Seeing Fonzy and the boys play together, the sadness starts to leave for a bit.

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Life continues to go on, and so will I......I have to.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Letter to Samuel

Everyone has gone to sleep, and I sit here, crying, wishing I could turn back time. Tomorrow will be a month and it feels just like yesterday. How I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. Listen to all your dreams, hear your laugh. I try to hold on to the good memories, but your death keeps playing over and over in my mind. It's like a movie that never stops.

When I fall asleep at night, I pray to see you in my dreams, but you have not come. When Mommy died, she use to come to me in dreams. Will you? I know a few days before you died, you said Mommy, your Grandmom had come to you in a dream, but you couldn't understand what she was saying to you. You said you had never dreamt about her before. I told you how Mommy use to come to me in dreams. After your death, this conversation came to my mind, and I wondered if maybe Mommy was telling you that she was going to meet you soon, and would be waiting in Heaven for you with open arms. In hard times like tonight, I hold on to that. To Mommy loving you for me. I know you are in a better place, I know this in my head, but that doesn't help my heart.

I am heading to bed now and I hope to see you in my dreams....please come to me.....

Friday, June 19, 2009

In Memory of My First Born - Samuel

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Day by Day

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at Samuel's grave, the morning after his funeral

Most days I just want to stay in bed and cry....for a few days I did exactly that.

Most days I smile and act normal....but inside I'm crying, screaming, asking why????

Samuel is my first thought when I wake in the morning and my last thought before I sleep at night.

I have this ache that just won't go away....I'm constantly trying to hold it together, but at any moment I feel like I'm going to lose it.

I sometimes notice Ezekiel and Elijah watching me, to see if I'm crying. They ask me if I'm alright. I try to smile and say I'm OK, when really I'm not, but I don't want them worried about me.

People mean well, will call and ask how I'm doing. My usual response is, "I'm OK, just taking it day by day" I don't think they can handle what I'm really feeling.....sometimes I can't handle what I'm feeling.

Some days I wish I could go to his grave...just to be near him, but he is buried in Texas and I'm in NC. I hope to one day move back to Texas, but it doesn't look to be in the cards right now.

I talk to Manuel everyday, and I can feel his pain. It's always been Samuel and Manuel, and now...just Manuel. He tells me his visits Samuel's grave everyday.....I wish I could be there with him.

This all still feels like a nightmare that I just want to wake up from. I keep waiting for Samuel to call me, but I will never hear him say Mom or I love you again. I have his music, so I can hear his voice any time I want, but sometimes even that is too hard.

There is so much I wish I had told him, so many hugs I wish I had given, so many pictures I wish I had taken, so many moments I let slip away.....

Day by day, that's all I can do, and sometimes even that is too much.